'H'

The measure of love is what you are willing to give up for it, or so a very sentimental poet once said. But what happens if you keep on coming up empty? In order to find a new bright future, sometimes you need to go back to your past, to understand old mistakes and try your hardest not the repeat them. My biggest disappointment has been what happened with 'H'

It's finally occurred to me why geting 'H' out of my system has been so hard for me. Part of me is still hanging onto someone who wasn't real with me on any level at any time or ever available. He is someone who will now because of all of his actions, remain a very harsh lesson in reality.

He added a powerful dimension to my life at a difficult time for me. Just being with him underlined bluntly the fun, passion and mental stimulus that what was missing between R and me. And if I'm honest (which I always am, even to the detriment of myself sometimes) I miss him still, or rather I miss the person I got to be in his presence. Sexy, sassy and totally optimistic about love, something which I am not as much now.

I have resisted the temptation to contact him, expecially when I remembered our very last non-meeting. Yet another home 'emergency' led to his lastminute.com one line e-mail cancellation. He knew he was lying and I knew he was lying. He was always so rubbish at it and I marvelled at his continuing belief, that I was so very gullible and stupid, that I would absolutely believe anything that he told me.

Since then nothing. Not one word. Initially, I was really, really worried in case something terrible had happened to him or his children, but as F (who absolutely hated 'H', from the moment I got involved with him and constantly told me what a dog he was) bluntly told me one night over dinner.

"Consider yourself Xd. Men either behave so badly that you women leave us or we just ignore you. Cowardly you're damned right it is, but at least we don't have to deal 'the situation' or you' or our actions. We simply get to walk away".

But for seeing H's name flash up on a business directory recently, for all I knew he might as well have disappeared like the white rabbit through the looking glass, into a sliding door universe where we had never met. It didn't occur to him that I'd be worried, or upset or hurt by his disappearing act, why should he be after all it was a speciality of his.

What made it all the painful was that we had only recently seen each other again after a year and a half of pretending that the other didn't exist. Our reunion was full of the normal things people say in impossible situations "I feel so guilty when I see you" "I know this is wrong but....." Every cliche in the book and then some.

The crazy thing is that for all of his lying, lying and more lying both to me and himself, I can honestly say that I was never been so nuts about someone. I admired him from afar, a long time before we exchanged a few water cooler conversations.

I used to smile as he stood with his hands on his hips, like I later teased him " a double ended teapot", when trying to get a point across to another colleague at work; or stroking the back of his head, when trying to figure out some unfathomable spreadsheet, containing some formula he just couldn't figure out. When I left the company where we both worked for another 'exciting opportunity', he suggested a farewell drink and that's where it all started.

I revelled in 'talking' to him, his silly e-mails, getting that first filthy morning text message from him. I loved his dour self deprecating humour, his razor sharp mind, his love for his family and friends, his passion, his body, and just the fact that no one ever made me feel as smart, appreciated, wanted and sexy as he did.

But ultimately, it just wasn't enough. He would always ask me what I wanted from him, but he never actually listened to what I said to him - I had no expectations whatsoever, how could I? Instead I wanted to be a friend, a cherished confidante (like with F and Tigger, who aren't ex's just male friends I have, who truly want the best for me), someone who had his back; but he never had mine.

I didn't question our situation ever or make demands of him. I asked him for nothing more than to always be straight with me and not to lie with me. Not to scrub around thinking of some suitably dramatic lie, to stop me dead in the tracks of any possible recriminations. He just couldn't do that.

When someone lies to you once it hurts. When someone lies to you always, it is like a slow burning fire in your chest, gradually ebbing away until your respect and loyalty have turned to disappointment; and your trust in that person and who they are has been completely extinguished.

There are two types of heartbreak - absolute - when you have been wronged against through no fault of your own and "just deserts heartbreak" - where you have trepassed in someone else's life and even though you think you might just come out of the situation in one piece and vaguely trimphant even, the only outcome will ever be your own unhappiness.

Do I regret getting involved with him? No...and yes. No - because I was myself with him, more so than with any other man. I was open, honest and loyal from start to finish, perhaps so honest that the only thing he could do with honesty like that was to trash it.

Yes - because being given the opportunity to press my nose up against the glass on something I really wanted to work, but didn't, has taken away some of my optimism about relationships in general. The rose tinted glasses are gone and I'm more 'real' then I've ever been.

The barriers are up and I now regard men as undefineable Chinese puzzles - to be dealt with at arms length, with kit gloves using extreme caution. I've learnt that even the 'nice guys' can have the shady gene that can hurt you, without it pricking their conscience, sometimes more than you ever have been by anyone else before or since.

I've learnt that just because you are unconditional with your affection for someone in whatever capacity, it doesn't mean the same affection will be returned to you or that the person in question will treat you the same affection or respect. It doesn't mean the person is a bad person, it just means they don't care enough about you. They are't bothered.

He once said to me that he was frightened that I could ruin his life and therein lies the fundamental difference between us. Whereas it would never occur to me to 'rock the boat' or 'hurt' him intentionally out of spite or even self preservation, to really mess him up, his indifference about hurting me is what finally showed me what my true value was to him.

If you are a man or woman of any substance, you will learn this harsh lesson when it is dealt to you by your undercover lover. You will own that you have been nothing more than a dirty little secret or a fickle distraction. You will take responsibility for your actions, forgive yourself for caring or loving where you shouldn't and then in time let it go. I have.

With Arms Wide Open

Well my weekend of misery has been met with an overwhelming wave of support from my girlfriends and some eye opening feedback from the more reliable men in my life.

In the pink corner A kicked things off things with a typically blunt take on my dating meltdown, sending me the following email.

“ B, You are one hot mama but, I have told you on many occasions that your photos are way too tame for those sites. That is why you don't get good enough responses, but you just don't wanna hear iteven though, I think I'm in a perfect position to know what men are like: visual beings. Looks is what gets them interested, personality is what makes them fall in love and they go in this order.

Also, the really fit and muscular guys like girls who are really fit and toned too, so if that's the pond where you wanna go fishing, you know what to do. But let me remind you anyway: more sport, less crap food! I mean, do you think I actually "like" going to the gym?? Alternatively go for boys who are also partial to a bit of cake ;-) – to which I replied “ You really are a total bitch, I may be lovelorn, but I’m not fat!”

A continued “My advice is to stop internet dating because, as it's not like normal dating. People don't see each other and the fact that they don't have a person in front of them tends to make them more to the point and less delicate with people's feelings. I think you are more suited to meeting guys in bars, or speed dating. Either way you shouldn't stop dating, just change the format. But you need to get out there, staying at home on a Sat night, eating ice-cream and watching Mamma Mia is not going to help” I did that one night A, just one bloody night and you won’t let me forget it!

While the blue corner M, who knows where all of my skeletons are buried (and the impact they've had on me) was equally honest with me, having first listened to me calmly (remember my meltdowns last at most 24hrs, after which point puffy eyes, lack of ice cream and boredom at my own pity party, causes me to abandon any attempts at at prolonging the misery!) telling him what a crap weekend I’ve just had.

“ I think G’s right, internet dating isn’t right for you. You get emotionally involved with everything you do from work to your personal life. When things go wrong you blame yourself, instead of thinking it’s the guys’ fault. What you want to remember is that all this internet stuff it’s all about selling yourself. I don’t see how you can do that over an internet connection",

"People put up their best pictures, great profiles. before they go and whereas you’ve put up the truth, not everyone else has “ “Sometimes guys will give you one or two emails, that's if they can be bothered to reply to you at all. That's just how guys are". One thing you have to say about M is that he tells it like it is.

"Also you don’t have to be so bloody nice all the time – I mean Curry Boy, he pissed you right off and instead of telling him where to go, you're nice to him have a polite conversation with him. If that had been me I would have told him to fuck right off. You are allowed to be rude, I mean look at you at work, you take charge, you don't take any crap! It just seems like you are trying to please everybody and you don’t have to. Use what’s just happened and remember not to take things so personally. These guys don't even know you and no they don't give a toss, which is another reason why you don't have to invest any of your emotions in them” .

Wise words indeed from the boys.....I promise to listen for a change.

Don't Go Chasing Rainbows

After probably the worst nights' sleep I've had in months, I woke up hot, grumpy and angry. The contents of my garden have been pruned to within an inch of their lives. My house is spotless and my week's laundry is not just done, i've even ironed and folded it all. Anything to block out that bloody email and the resulting disappointment.

G texted me "Are you ok" and then phoned to check that I hadn't overdosed on Haribos as I'd run out of ice cream.

"I don't know what to say darling. The guy's a jerk (I wish it was true G, but S2 isn't which is why i'm so gutted) you're an amazing, wonderful person. it's just these bloody men!. I'm glad you ditched those dating sites, they're just destroying your confidence. You know these bloody sites really aren't meant for everyone". Don't I know it!

I was about to protest, but she was of course right. For once in my life I'm not going to try and be Superwoman putting on a brave face on things and launching optimistically headfirst into yet another disaster. I'm going to take time out, get off the dating merry-go-round, focus on my writing, my family and my friends, being fabulous and counting my blessings.

After all nobody died, I just have a very bruised ego. I'll get over it. I always do.

The One Where I'm Finally Done with Internet Dating

Ok, I concede defeat - I have just removed my profile from my singlefriend.com. I didn't do it in a fit of temper or in the unlikely miracle that I might have found a boyfriend., I did it because I have had enough of the false hopes, that it raises everytime i get involved with it, by investing my efforts and emotions in trying to conect with someone new.

It takes balls to repeatedly put yourself out there on the dating frontline. It is disappointing when a person can't even be bothered to reply to your e-mail or even acknowledge you exist. You change your pictures, update your profile until you've bored yourself and your poor friends stupid. You start to doubt whether you are such a great catch, particularly when that little notice flashes up to say someone you liked has met someone but of course it's not you.

What finally pushed me to giving up once and for all with dating sites was S2. Unlike Curry boy (who actually called me today - no apology, no excuse just a why don't we meet for coffee, or a drink or something!), S2 was politely upfront.

In his final e-mail to me, he thanked me for answering his request for advice on making his work life balance better (I kid you not) then compassionately delivered the news that after just three days of emails, his heart lies elsewhere (another lady from the site).

He also confirmed that he had. had loads of responses which has boosted his confidence from lots of lovely ladies like myself, and since he has decided to give things a go with his hopefully perfect match, he just wanted to let me know, so I could find someone else who was interested in me.

He even joked that if it turned out to be a nightmare first date (how unlucky would you have to be to end up with one of those), he might just be back in touch. Well thank you S2 - nice to know that you see me as a possible stand-in or back-up plan B.

I feel like crap. Total crap........if even the nice guys want to connect and date anyone other then me, then why the hell should I bother. I'm done with internet dating, in fact screw dating!.

Jacko Checks Out !

Where were you when the King of Pop died – well at the Stag actually. I was still smiling about Rob’s woes when I turned on the TV and heard the news that Michael Jackson was dead. When someone you know dies, you deal with it in the best way you know how. When a living legend dies like JFK or Elvis you tend to remember where you were.

Watching the news updates full of ‘the fight to save his life’ and celebrity eulogies about how this ex-child genius lost his childhood to become a star, then superstar and ultimately the King of Pop.

I was struck, by how important it is for us all to live for the moment and remember that our actions can have amazing impacts on others. All the crazy coverage of his plastic surgery, test tube children, chimps, marriages, fairytale homes and numerous courts cases had until yesterday, publicly blighted a career which outstripped others; beginning in poverty of the projects and ending up as the global phenomena he became.

He could sing, dance, write hits songs, inspire and captivate audiences of all ages. Now how many of us could do that ?

RIP the King of Pop - Long Live your musical legacy!