Now the news has sunk in about Mum, I'm tryng to deal with it one day at a time. I've done my crying and now I'm focused on what's to come - chemo before, during and after; and then hopefully remission.
I feel incredibly guilty about the situation because I've always been a Daddy's girl and part of me feels like I haven't been as close to my Mum as I should have been. It was kind of fated, as my Dad raised me as a single parent, after my Mum left.
While I grew up, he sacrificed a potentially high flying career to raise me, hopefully the right way. He wasn't a soft touch - far from it, in fact I spent half my childhood wondering why following his rules, seemed to mean that fun was in short supply.
It was only much later that I realised those rules and boundaries had kept me on the straight and narrow and out of harms way.
I've realised over the years, that I've acquired his stubborn streak, random sentimentality often over the smallest things and a tendency to bury my feelings, particularly when I'm hurt - which is why writing is so important to me. When I can't say it out loud, I just write it all down.
Pop's always been the constant and strongest male figure in my life, so when he had his own brush with cancer, which thankfully he recovered from, I held it together to support him, but then crumbled after he got through it.
I've always been able to handle everyone else's hard stuff like a pro, but my own crap frequently leaves me clueless !
I've decided that the only way to get through this is learning all about it. I need to understand the type of cancer we're dealing with so I can help Mum fight it. Hopefully that knowledge, plus her positivity and determination to beat it, will be all we need.
Despite everything that's going on, life continues to surprise me and just one day after Mum's diagnosis, my nephew called me to say he was going to propose to his girlfriend.
My sister was suitably hysterical about the prospect of 'her baby' doing something so grown up and I probably would have felt that same normally, but for his response when I asked him why she was 'The One'.
"She knows me inside out. She's always got my back. She pushes me to be better than I should be and I love her for it".
That sincerity and unconditional belief in the power of love, was just what I needed to hear at that moment, and I was so thankful for it.
Monday, 8 October 2012
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Hard Stuff !
So let me start with the hard stuff and there's no easy way to say it.
My Mum has cancer. I hate having to write it, say it or even think about it, but it is, what it is.
It sounds so brutal when you see it in black and white. Brutal is exactly what it is. It's a disease that's invaded my family and so far killed my Grandad, danced around my sister and Pop in the past few years and has now taken up residence in the body of my Mum
She starts chemo in 3 short weeks and has so far amazed me, by her strength of mind, determination to down play it and has even joked that losing her hair will give her the opportunity to discover the joy of wigs!I'm heartbroken and I'm so unbelievably angry.
I'm angry that this disease is a silent guest that's joined our family. Sitting at our table when we eat. Perched on the sofa while we talk,all the while, wating and watching us before striking like some venomous viper when we least expect it. Mum's never smoked, never drunk, in fact she could be a Gap poster girl for living a clean and wholesome life.
All I keep thinking is why her? Anybody else, but why her? I hate the fact that she's a plane ride away. That I won't be there for all of her chemo because while this never ending circle of B&B gigs continue, I simply can't afford not to work.
No lesson about money would ever have given me the clarity I have right now about the reality of what it can do for you. It offers you the freedom to make choices, but it can't buy you your health.
My Mum has cancer. I hate having to write it, say it or even think about it, but it is, what it is.
It sounds so brutal when you see it in black and white. Brutal is exactly what it is. It's a disease that's invaded my family and so far killed my Grandad, danced around my sister and Pop in the past few years and has now taken up residence in the body of my Mum
She starts chemo in 3 short weeks and has so far amazed me, by her strength of mind, determination to down play it and has even joked that losing her hair will give her the opportunity to discover the joy of wigs!I'm heartbroken and I'm so unbelievably angry.
I'm angry that this disease is a silent guest that's joined our family. Sitting at our table when we eat. Perched on the sofa while we talk,all the while, wating and watching us before striking like some venomous viper when we least expect it. Mum's never smoked, never drunk, in fact she could be a Gap poster girl for living a clean and wholesome life.
All I keep thinking is why her? Anybody else, but why her? I hate the fact that she's a plane ride away. That I won't be there for all of her chemo because while this never ending circle of B&B gigs continue, I simply can't afford not to work.
No lesson about money would ever have given me the clarity I have right now about the reality of what it can do for you. It offers you the freedom to make choices, but it can't buy you your health.
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
Two Days Down - Three To Go !
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| Image via CrunchBase |
Last night, my lovely tenant sheepishly confessed she was moving out to live with her boyfriend and would I mind her breaking our contract?
Apparently she's been 'working' on her other half since before she moved in with me. It appears her latest ultimatium to him has done the trick.
When faced with such uncompromising determination, I didn't have the heart to tell her that holding a 'gun' to a man's head, to get him to move in with you, isn't necessarily the best strategy or foundation for a lasting long-term relationship.
Her timing is of course pants, but compared to her predecessors at BB Towers, she's been a dream.
She's engaging, almost funny (it varies day to day and it's always gothically black in tone!). She hates cats, is mentally sane and is mercifully devoid of the strange disordersprevious BB residents distinguished themselves by as pill popping while drinking wine, overeating in their bedroom or persistent addiction to spending, extended amounts of time in fluffy or towelling dressing gowns !
Also in her favour is the fact that she's given me a decent notice period; which by previous tenant standards is akin to winning the spare room lottery.
On top of my tenant's news, today I was told my latest gig has been cut to a meagre week - yes, it's that same old chesnut 'lack of budget' I have heard all year. It wasn't just me, two other contractors heard the same speech alongside me.
I felt quite sorry for my line manager who broke the news with considerable awkwardness; knowing that myself and one other person there, had taken the risk of leaving longer gigs behind, figuring the prestige of this one made it worthwhile taking a chance on.
I didn't want to make him feel anymore uncomfortable (one of the others launched into a spirited rant about messing with people's lives, but as an old hand, he should know the score and probably didn't do himself any favours!).
I simply smiled sweetly and said
"No problem".
I figure, just because it's now a mini-mini gig doesn't mean I won't still learn something while I'm here and at least I get the chance to be creative, something I've been crying out to do for ages.
I made a list of objectives for the week and am steadily working my way through them. First up has been a Twitter clean-up.
Because I'm a slightly enthusiastic connector, I used to followback (with the exception of adult naughty ones, super discounted viagra and incontinency tweeters) nearly everybody. But not anymore!
I am now Queen of the Twitter Culls, having despatched hundreds of 'followings' with my weapons of choice - my fingers :0 )
Since retail consoling therapy was out of the question, I went one better and treated myself to lunch at Pret.
My guardian angel or that moment of serendipity that pops up on your shoulder every now and then; just to remind you in a surprising way, that smiling really can make you forget 'pants news' temporarily, came in the form of a heavy dose of eavesdropped laughter.
The table beside me was occupied by two young triple threats -dancers-slash-models-slash-actresses.
Listening to their brainless chatter - about who they thought was fat and who wasn't. Who looked rubbish in their audition showreels and just how many hours they should spend practising their monologues over the next week; I have to admit, it was pretty hard for me to stop laughing out loud.
Conforming to just about every model stereotype going, guess what the nutritional backdrop to this riveting back and farth between the ladies was? Two tiny plastic boxes of salad each. It was all I needed to put the smile back on my face and to happily dive into my sandwich, coke and chocolate brownie :0 )
Friday, 7 September 2012
Another New Gig
So this week has been a say hello, wave goodbye kinda week.
My 'stalker' read my last post and decided to send me a text to tell me she wouldn't bother me anymore. The irony for me of sending me a text after my last posting, shows exactly how completely opposite we are.
If I were her I wouldn't have texted me at all. It felt like it was one last attempt at elicting a 'guilt ridden' response from me. Akward!
Yesterday I finished my latest B&B job. I have now had so many of these little gigs, they are truly worthy of their own Facebook timeline!
This one was a longer than average booking, making it a rare and pleasant gig that I was throughly grateful for. However, it came with a price tag.
This gig distinguished itself by giving me the realisation that just because the a building is beautiful and the people inside it are lovely, it doesn't always mean things are going to work out honky dory.
When I first joined the team, I knew I was a square peg. Not alien with two heads kind of square peg. Just line in the sand, different. I'm a creative professional through and through; with a heart, soul and sensibilities, so creatively ingrained, that I have discovered I am incompatible working within the straitjacket of a hardcore corporate gig.
The gig was at one of those formal environments, masquerading as not being so formal, but strewn with politics and people that you on not account upset!
Just before I left, I received some pretty challenging 'feedback' from my line manager, saying I was great at my work, but was just a little, how could he say it, it had been commented (which always reminds me of one of those newspaper 'a source said moments') that I was 'too much'. Too loud, too funny, too informal....too everything.
In other words he asked me to try and not be so well BBish !
The joke of course between us my dear readers, is that as we know there are two faces of BB - the kid in the candy store, optimistic, annoying (particularly in the morning I'm told, because I love mornings :0 )hopeful, excited about every single day and ridiculously grateful when she has work.
Then there's the over-critical, more than slightly fearful diva who is just a little jaded and just a little bit more than frustrated at still not landing her big break.
That sometimes frankly toxic BB, is one I don't feel I have to put on display to people least of all my work colleagues and quite frankly why park your crap on someone else's driveway? So I favour and for the most part are kid in the candy store BB.
As he tried to assure me that I shouldn't take the feedback too personally (well when it's directed at you, it's kind of hard not too!) and that all I had to do was be less me and more mindful of sometimes being annoying.
I lasted two weeks as the new BB. Two of the most miserable weeks of my working life, during which I considered the validity of my feedback, wrestled with my disappointment that whoever was hacked off didn't think I was approachable enough to tell to my face, or simply didn't have the balls to do it.
I kept my head down, waved goodbye to my sarky one-liners and barely spoke just in case I 'annoyed' my more obvious 'non-BB fans'! Then thankfully, I got the opportunity to move to (don't get too excited people, its another very short-term gig *sigh*) a more creative environment.
BB of say 6 months ago, would have clung to the wreckage of that long gig, put up with feeling crap and just taken it, but fortunately I'm made of stronger stuff, so I took the plunge and left.
Don't get me wrong, part of me is horrified at my reckless devil may care take on the situation, particularly with the market as it is. How do I square my behaviour with myself ? Easy I've had worse 'constructive' criticism before; but where I draw the line is when you take a pop at my personality and who I am.
That's a no go. End of. Not through arrogance, self importance or self-help driven love overload on my part, but because I know myself and I think I rock. I'm a good person, who treats people how I want to be treated (and that includes my ex stalker:0 ) I embrace positivity - well usually.
What's hilarious about the whole thing is that I trained up my replacement perfectly. I wrote a handover bible, downloaded resource documents by the ton and co-ordinated his entire training programme.I ensured that he had everything, that was lacking when I joined the team.
So much for me being a square peg huh? I was without question more ruthlessly organised about how I left this gig, than I've probably been anywhere, because of what was said to me. Call it a case of look what you are allowing to walk out of the building syndrome :0 )
We've all met that nut job at work. The one who has characteristics we may actually loathe at times, but for those moments of magic and incident they conjure up around us, we humour and hold onto them. I never thought of myself as being that nut job, until now:0 )
I am what I am and who I am. If you don't like it, then Houston we have a problem. I consider myself lucky and fortunate, that nearly all of the people I interact and connect with think so too.
Now for one of those unexpected random moments that I love, I've just landed an impromtu gig to take photos for a a client at a function.
Did I also mention that as well as rock star BB, I'm a very lucky BB too!
My 'stalker' read my last post and decided to send me a text to tell me she wouldn't bother me anymore. The irony for me of sending me a text after my last posting, shows exactly how completely opposite we are.
If I were her I wouldn't have texted me at all. It felt like it was one last attempt at elicting a 'guilt ridden' response from me. Akward!
Yesterday I finished my latest B&B job. I have now had so many of these little gigs, they are truly worthy of their own Facebook timeline!
This one was a longer than average booking, making it a rare and pleasant gig that I was throughly grateful for. However, it came with a price tag.
This gig distinguished itself by giving me the realisation that just because the a building is beautiful and the people inside it are lovely, it doesn't always mean things are going to work out honky dory.
When I first joined the team, I knew I was a square peg. Not alien with two heads kind of square peg. Just line in the sand, different. I'm a creative professional through and through; with a heart, soul and sensibilities, so creatively ingrained, that I have discovered I am incompatible working within the straitjacket of a hardcore corporate gig.
The gig was at one of those formal environments, masquerading as not being so formal, but strewn with politics and people that you on not account upset!
Just before I left, I received some pretty challenging 'feedback' from my line manager, saying I was great at my work, but was just a little, how could he say it, it had been commented (which always reminds me of one of those newspaper 'a source said moments') that I was 'too much'. Too loud, too funny, too informal....too everything.
In other words he asked me to try and not be so well BBish !
The joke of course between us my dear readers, is that as we know there are two faces of BB - the kid in the candy store, optimistic, annoying (particularly in the morning I'm told, because I love mornings :0 )hopeful, excited about every single day and ridiculously grateful when she has work.
Then there's the over-critical, more than slightly fearful diva who is just a little jaded and just a little bit more than frustrated at still not landing her big break.
That sometimes frankly toxic BB, is one I don't feel I have to put on display to people least of all my work colleagues and quite frankly why park your crap on someone else's driveway? So I favour and for the most part are kid in the candy store BB.
As he tried to assure me that I shouldn't take the feedback too personally (well when it's directed at you, it's kind of hard not too!) and that all I had to do was be less me and more mindful of sometimes being annoying.
I lasted two weeks as the new BB. Two of the most miserable weeks of my working life, during which I considered the validity of my feedback, wrestled with my disappointment that whoever was hacked off didn't think I was approachable enough to tell to my face, or simply didn't have the balls to do it.
I kept my head down, waved goodbye to my sarky one-liners and barely spoke just in case I 'annoyed' my more obvious 'non-BB fans'! Then thankfully, I got the opportunity to move to (don't get too excited people, its another very short-term gig *sigh*) a more creative environment.
BB of say 6 months ago, would have clung to the wreckage of that long gig, put up with feeling crap and just taken it, but fortunately I'm made of stronger stuff, so I took the plunge and left.
Don't get me wrong, part of me is horrified at my reckless devil may care take on the situation, particularly with the market as it is. How do I square my behaviour with myself ? Easy I've had worse 'constructive' criticism before; but where I draw the line is when you take a pop at my personality and who I am.
That's a no go. End of. Not through arrogance, self importance or self-help driven love overload on my part, but because I know myself and I think I rock. I'm a good person, who treats people how I want to be treated (and that includes my ex stalker:0 ) I embrace positivity - well usually.
What's hilarious about the whole thing is that I trained up my replacement perfectly. I wrote a handover bible, downloaded resource documents by the ton and co-ordinated his entire training programme.I ensured that he had everything, that was lacking when I joined the team.
So much for me being a square peg huh? I was without question more ruthlessly organised about how I left this gig, than I've probably been anywhere, because of what was said to me. Call it a case of look what you are allowing to walk out of the building syndrome :0 )
We've all met that nut job at work. The one who has characteristics we may actually loathe at times, but for those moments of magic and incident they conjure up around us, we humour and hold onto them. I never thought of myself as being that nut job, until now:0 )
I am what I am and who I am. If you don't like it, then Houston we have a problem. I consider myself lucky and fortunate, that nearly all of the people I interact and connect with think so too.
Now for one of those unexpected random moments that I love, I've just landed an impromtu gig to take photos for a a client at a function.
Did I also mention that as well as rock star BB, I'm a very lucky BB too!
Sunday, 26 August 2012
Friends Unreunited !
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| Cover of The Friends |
The idiot still doesn't seem to be able to register that he's blown it with me and there is no way back !
I'm incredibly grateful that I've had the support of my hardcore friends to get me through everything, along with my loopy, often inappropriate sense of humour :0 )
I have always been someone who has annual clearouts of friends. It's not that I don't love them anymore, or that we've fallen out with each other. Life is in my opinion way too short to harbour grudges or ill feelings.
But it's just that the natural ebbs and flows of everybody's different lives mean that sometimes you wind up not seeing each other that much. In some instances a few years can go by without you even talking to each other on the phone.
You may eventually in the circle of life, come together again, but sometimes you may not and at that point I remember that 'friend' fondly but respect both our rights to let go of our friendship.
I have always accepted this as a part of my life and my friends old and new seem to feel the same, apart from one particularly sensitive 'friend' Y who I worked with at the very beginning of my career; many more moons ago than I care to admit to.
I have never come across someone so determined to be my friend, whether I like it or not.
Since I left our shared workplace we have communicated sporadically. All communication has been driven by Y and every single conversation has been punctuated by a moan about my never calling her or returning her calls.
Strangely enough, this doesn't sit well with me. One because if I want to do something I will, if I don't I won't. Second I'm not some child who needs or responds to being told off.
I have my own free will and anyone who thinks that they have some ownership of that will, or seeks to put pressure my will, actually doesn't know me that well at all in terms of what really pisses me off.
In the last three months, Y has called me repeatedly, mostly during work hours, phoning from her work and mobile phones, even using the What'sUp app and leaving increasingly desperate sounding messages, always beginning with a 'telling off' consisting of the type of guilt ridden phrasing, you only ever get from your parents.
"You never answer your phone"
"Leave a message, huh well you never ever get back to me, so I don't know why I'm bothering!"
Y called and left a message about a personal situation I'd mentioned on my blog, suggesting that we talk about it, with the presumed intimacy that only comes from a friend you talk to regularly and frankly pissed me off so much that I texted her to say as much and that also I was actually in a meeting. Her response was to ask me when I was free.
Y then followed that up with a text to apparently ask me a super urgent question about a subject I know absolutely nothing about - modelling?
I told her to email me that super urgent question, restating that I was actually busy at that moment, and I'd see what I could do. She texted back immediately saying she was free that evening and I should call her.
Did I receive that urgent email from her ? Of course not !
I knew instantly that the modelling question, was just an 'in 'to talk to me and force me into a conversation, I'd already made it crystal clear I did not want to have.
Today was the final straw for me, when Y texted me to say that she knew I had read her last text message and she expected me to reply to it since she thought we were friends.
I swear for just a minute I thought I was 15 again, back in the playground and bitching because JW didn't come round to my house to hang out after school.
I haven't responded and I won't be responding. I'm done with this unecessary drama, which I know will only get more messy if I respond in the way I really want to.
True friendship to me is about recognising when to be there and when to back the hell off. My friendships are precious to me, but I don't place my presumptions on how a friend should behave on others.
I treat every single one of my friends as an individual who has their own quirks, emotions, stuff going on in their lives I may not know about and ways of dealing with things, including our friendship.
Case in point is a close friend of mine, L who I recently reconnected with after 10 years. Her first words to me were,
"It's so good to see you and I knew you'd find me when you were ready".
We never fell out, it's just that our lives went in completely different directions, so we never saw each other and eventually just lost contact - simple as. Absolutely no bitterness, no attempts at playground parent guilt-tripping or anything from her. She just respected the situation for what it was.
Consequently, she was then and is now one of those hardcore friends who has really been there for me recently. I talked to her about the situation and with her usual bluntness she asked:
"Do you owe her money?"
"Have you had a baby for her?"
"Were you a regular part of her life when you left the place you both worked at? I mean did you see her lots?"
I laughed and said no to all of the questions.
"Then, don't reply. She's acting nuts. You don't owe her anything and she shouldn't be trying to force something that isn't there".
I put down the phone to L, went upstairs and took down Y's picture that has been on my bedside table for years (if you don't like someone you don't have their picture by your bed right?) and put it in the drawer.
Chapter closed as far as I am concerned.
EPILOGUE
Morning 27th August
This morning Y resent me her message from yesterday - I know ! How nuts is that?
EPILOGUE 2
28th August
Phone call during work - ignored by me.
EPILOGUE 3
30th August
Text Message : Deleted by me
Rambling message about dreaming about me last night. That I was getting married and she tried to congratulate me but I ignored her. Just like I am doing now. Would I mind calling for a chat.
My thoughts - she has now moved across to the Stalker file in my life.
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