Monday, 31 December 2012

So Long 2012 !!

If someone would have told me at the beginning of this year, what a crappy year 2012 would be for me, I honestly wouldn't have believed them.

I began the year, hopeful of escaping a temp job I loathed and a crazy housemate aka The Cat Freak.

I shed both almost instantly and hoped that this was the beginning of my new start.

Instead, what followed was a steady stream of work false starts and negativity via faux friends  or acquaintances, who always seem to surface when your life's in the toilet.

The Canadian Virgin who wrote porn in particular; is a piece of work I will never ever forget (an ex-colleague/friend and due to my desperation at the time; housemate, who turned out to be certifiable nut job with 'a poor me' mentality about her life !!!).

Then there was the wonderous R who I thought was a grown up, but at the first sign of the

"Where are we going with this relationship?"

conversation (instigated, I might add by him); ran for the hills, under the false assumption that I was a woman who needed looking after.  How wrong he was!

What was ironic about our whole situation ? I didn't tell him about where I was life wise. Why? First because my previous girlfriend experience has taught me sharing your troubles with your love interest, early on in a relationship, is like throwing a grenade onto an doused bonfire.

And second, because R, just like so many other people in my life in 2012 got the axe at work.

I knew his confidence took a massive hit and he may not have been thinking too clearly when we broke up; but I couldn't help thinking from the ruthless way in which he finished things, I ultimately had a lucky escape.

As it was, he changed his mind about us just one month later.  He tried 'to come back',  Unfortunately for him, having previously dumped me by text, I happily told R, that the good ship Diva had sailed already; never to return to him.

I kept on going.  Through yet more short-term temp jobs and a slow loss of confidence in my own abilities, that I'd never experienced before. Then out of the blue, my Mum was diagnosed as having cancer.

Suddenly my 'struggles' were put into prespective and slowly, things got better, culminating in my new job, which allowed me to regain my confidence and subsequently rebuilt my personal life.

I find myself minutes away from waving goodbye to 2012, having learnt many lessons about myself and life, which I hope, will ensure that 2013 is my year.

Happy New Year to you all, from a humbled and but very grateful Diva, who survived 2012 :0)

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Last Christmas

While it's fair to say the last year and a half has been unwaveringly rubbish, there's one good thing that I can hang onto.

This is going to be my first Christmas as a grown-up,when I won't be nursing a broken heart.

Yes you heard me right. The original hearts and flowers diva is doing ok on the love front, because she's neither in lust or in love; and strangely it doesn't bother her one iota.

Having distinguished myself throughout the years by a heartfelt and reckless devotion to 'dodgy' (emotionally unobtainable, commitment phobics, recovering divorced jocks) which had artfully led me to being a cardholder at club Toxic Central) ; I find myself calmly anticipating the prospect of settling.

Hell no I hear you yell, but back up and wait a minute.

I've gone through the he's not cute/tall enough requirements, to the 'he plays chess and wears sweaters - that's cool' moment!

On the body front there's no real barrier for me to break through here, ordinary joes have always been my bag. Sculptured Adonis's are by my book terrifying, as unfortunately, they require their mates to be equally buff and gorgeous to boot!

Now that would mean I would  have to rise to the relentless sound of the daily gym sirens - which is quite frankly one bridge I'm not looking to cross anytime soon !  This year's stress diet, Zuma and yoga are working just fine thanks!

I'm not saying it wouldn't be cool to cosy up to someone this Christmas - it would be awesome, but instead of being stuck (due to my own actions) with another Mr Toxic, I'll take Mr comfortable, decent, reliable and nice, instead please.

I've been a good diva Santa, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed !

Not So Happy Secret Santa !

I never thought Secret Santa could cause such a hooha until recently. 

When I first announced I would be running work's Secret Santa , it was met with varying degrees of enthuasiasm.  Beginning with mild bemusement, then sprawling into the minor annoyance of picking someone you don't know recognise, or in the worst case scenario - dislike.

Oh and did I mention my having to explain the rules multiple times, because people failed to read my initial Secret Santa by numbers email.  By the end of everything, even I could feel the SS joy draining slowly out of me.

However, being a big kid at heart, once I'd decorated Santa's postbox (don't laugh - I've done it every year since my first ever job many moons ago), the curiousity of an ever increasingly pile of brightly covered parcels, with names on, become a source of daily joy for gatherers at the desk next to mine.

The big SS draw went ok, or so I thought. There was the inevitable "I didn't get anything!" moment, from one of the loveliest people in our grotto.  Embarrassment was averted by the arrival of the 'extra' present, always at the ready, by veteran Secret Santa aficionados like moi.

I thought I was out of the snowy mountains and running home free, until the Secret Santa disaffection reared its ugly head !

It cames from the last person I expected.  Someone I always thought was a real sweetheart, who was extremely hacked off to receive a gift, which she considered thoughtless and cheap. 

It took the wise words, of a more mature colleague, to silence her rant with the wisdom, that maybe her Secret Santa, simply didn't have the money to go large in the Secret Santa stakes.

I thought about what  the "Up to £10" Secret Santa budget has meant to me at various times throughout this year. 

Travel to a temp job I desperately needed to keep me going, while looking for a permanent job. A weekly 'student shop' of beans, pasta and vegetables or an all to rare splurge at my favourite discount store.

I don't mind admitting it, this year's struggles have touched me in ways I didn't think possible.  I am ridiculously careful with money now. It's as if I am waiting to get tapped on the shoulder and told that this gig is about to end and once again I'll have to worry about looking for another one.

I've never been a great lover or truster of money weirdly, but for the first time ever I know its true value - the freedom it gives you in terms of choices/options open to you and if you're really lucky or just super careful - security.

I find myself genuinely grateful for the tiniest good thing that happens in my life. From my daily latte, to the unexpected words of support from a colleague. I think before I speak much more than I ever have and I'm much nicer to friends and family.

For the first time in my life, people have started to describe me as calm and unaffected by the small stuff, which for a former sporadic drama queen, is quite a change.

I don't know how long Zen BB can go the distance, but I genuinely like where I'm at and the possiblities of where it could lead me, without losing who I am essentially - the lady who keeps on going, even when it feels like the deck has become home.