Thursday, 28 October 2010

Halloween and Chillin'

Halloween started out with a bang, when I discovered that putting your costume in an identical bag to your general rubbish isn't the smartest thing to do and I ended up of course grabbing the wrong bag in a hurry.

I only noticed my error during a costume show and tell of our Halloween outfits at work!

I went back home at lunchtime, picked up the right bag, then bolted out of my house in time to demonstrate my best sprinting action, as I just managed to catch the bus back to the railway station.

By the end of the day, we were all up for a serious dose of Halloween mischief. Over the space of two hours, we transformed ourselves into jacked up clowns, black cats, Death, dead zebras (sick, but inspired from MVH and mega popular with the ladies!) and my personal favourite, because it was my own costume - a Graveyard cemetery angel !

I managed to shake my booty, despite wearing a to the floor dress and negotiating angel wings that started the evening erect, but ended up misshapen and slightly wonky.

Just before the stroke of midnight, I found myself in a taxi with I. I joined our company a few months ago and is definitely one of life's good guys - articulate, mega intelligent, cheeky beyond belief and one of those rare grown-up men, who tells you like it is, completely unvarnished.

Boy did we talk! Life, relationships, work, music, family, religion...the works...just the type of conversations I love.

I'd forgotten how cool is is to hang out with a guy and just banter. You see aside from F and my other treasured male buddies, finding new men you can have a laugh and a joke with and some general banter can be difficult. If they are also cute (a rarity for me, since I like more quirky men) they are like an endangered species.

The fact that I is my age means we can cut to the chase. Talk about silly things and have a common reference points. With the serious stuff, there isn't the need to chase our tails trying to make things over complicated, when putting the world to rights from the safety of a comfy couch.

The banter was so good, that it took me until 2pm to realise I was absolutely starving. Before you could say 'What's in your fridge', he was whizzing round the kitchen and whipped up a 'Masterchef' moment. without a batting an eyelid....result and bloody tasty too !

Before you get excited no there's no need to buy a hat!. I've long since stopped planning that happy endings with eligible men, just because we get along.

Also, he spent 20 minutes banging on about two sweet little poppets of eyecandy he hangs out with regularly. He even showed me a picture of them kissing, which looked like one of those dreamy indie album covers.

One of the two, he most definitely has a thing for, even though he didn't admit it, but that's some men for you....always give the impression that they are keeping their options open, even when they're hooked up - the little devils !

In fact it's misreading 'moments' and maybes like that by me, that has most definitely contributed to some of my previous relationships failings and idealistic expectations on the relationship front.

Fortunately, I seem to be getting better at figuring that stuff out....well sort of !

I know I'm not in the right place to deal with anyone right now, because I am completely knackered. What a year it's been! It's been bloody great and bloody hard as well.

I'm a little frustrated with myself. Work has been beyond great, since leaving HWMBO's regime, I have become one fierce, fearless diva!

My house is getting there, it more BBish and less old lady decorating mistake !

But my personal stuff has been beyond pants, in fact it's been a real challenge to be party to and to own to my mistakes and issues.

The good news is I'm finally out of that roller-coaster funk of self doubting and loathing and am looking forward to much deserved happier times.

This good fortune awaits all of us who continue to live in hope and trust in good stuff and good people entering our lives if we just believe it and live it.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

The Italian Kiss Off !

No matter how hard she tries, and perhaps she needs to think a little less about his feelings - this lovesick puppy has now taken to going through her facebook pictures and commenting on them - in Italian !! LL has not been able to escape the ardent attentions of her young buck.

Until today, when she texted him the following.

"I don't think I we should see each other again !"

Direct, but effective or so we thought, until his response.

She hasn't responded.

Monday, 25 October 2010

I Would Do Anything But I Won't Do That !

....My prayers have been answered and my friend made it big-time! She has an excellent long-term prognosis and we can all breathe again, thank God. I was so bloody grateful to see her up and about, I hugged her way too long and just about held back from crying.

Elsewhere,my worst fears have been been confirmed. After just a few short weeks of separation and attempting to re-enter the tunnel of non-love - commonly known as crappy dating (a universe I know so well!), L is ready to throw in the towel and take him back for what seems to me the most unfortunate of reasons.

We talked over the weekend and she declared.

"I'm not ready to come home yet"

If marrying him to get residency is the only way to keep her US dream alive, then right now that's what she's prepared to do and second because she believes (she says)it is better the devil she knows, to stuck with him.

Listening to someone convince themselves to do something which is potentially one of the most detrimental things, they can do to themselves, is like being a bystander at a car crash, you know you could have stopped.

After all we are talking about a guy that didn't cheat once, he cheated repeatedly over the course of a two year relationship in a very deliberate and calculating way. He even tried to convince her that she was being unreasonable and jealous...the trait of a well seasoned cheat.

Even when he got busted he pulled the "I always thought you would leave me!" card and then proceeded to go on about being prepared to do anything he could to stay with her, including the counselling she had been talking about for months previously.

What amazes me is how an otherwise street saavy, academically bright, together woman could seriously think that a cheat is all she is worthy of. L bemoaned "the fallow dating ground" and talked about "time running out" for her in terms of finding someone available and having children.

Speaking as a diva with universally acknowledged pants taste in men. Someone who has made some of the most stupid decisions for my life, based on my gut instinct and feelings and then spent ages getting over it, I have to say I genuinely surprised in the change in her since she moved abroad.

Despite probably having every romantic notion of mine rubbished and contradicted, I still believe that 'settling'isn't a recipe for personal unhappiness.

Believe me I've tried it.

Two years with R (one year happy, so completely unhappy,that just one chaste, but lust fuelled dinner with H made me realise what I'd been missing - or so I thought! ).

My three year long distance mayhem with the American - we broke up more times than some people date for, serially breaking each other's hearts as we just couldn't figure out how to make it work both ways.

And how could I forget more recently M, who I initially didn't like, who I let my guard down with, began a relationship with only for him to say he could never, ever fall in love with me, capping my misery by telling me to "Be lucky!".

Despite everything, I still believe there is somebody out there who thinks that hanging out with me is not akin to a slow death. That gets my dodgy humour, thinks I look okish with my warpaint on, trusts me implicitly and totally has my back no matter what. Did I wait all this time to end up with someone who treats me like crap and doesn't value me.

Hell no!
I changed tact with L and appealed to her better judgement.

"You are essentially someone who wants what your folks have. It isn't perfect, but its real. A partnership between two people who have accepted each other faults and all and decided to stick it out. Not to lie or cheat on each other, to hang on in there no matter what; even when walking through the door is an easy option. If you think that selling the hope of the 'real deal' with someone, for a passport and a few years spent with someone you don't trust in a country you don't want to leave is ok, then go for it, but I know you better than that".

Even if the guy had multiple passports and was beyond solvent, I would still have to reconcile that price, versus my ability to put my head on my pillow at night and feel ok with what my part of what our relationship bargain was.

I am content with my friends and family (nearly all the time!), great job (nearly all the time!), beautiful home (nearly all the time!) and weave (there's no such thing as a black woman who is totally satisfied with their weave - we always want more!).

Sure I have lonely days, pathetically lonely days, where I doubt myself on every level from attractiveness, intelluct even down to just feeling like there is something fundamentally unloveable about the B, I show to the world every day. But the minute we abandon all hope, we might as well throw in the towel.

Just like love, hope is the torch of honesty, that I think is the core of any relationship be it romantic or platonic. Our destiny is in our hands, what you wish for yourself, can only be limited by you. This is what I feel she is doing and I sincerely hope she will not come to bitterly regret the path, she seems intent on taking.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

The Leveller !

There's one leveller in life that hits us all rich or poor, happy or sad, is the loss of our health.

I count myself incredibly lucky in that despite some harsh times, I've been relatively unscathed by ill health or the loss of a loved one.

The closest person I had to a mother was taken from me when I was 22 and to this day when something great happens, I have to stop myself from picking up the phone and calling her. She was a truly incredible, strong, loving woman whose death was one of the most terrible things that has ever happened to me.

When my much loved super cranky Dad was seriously ill a couple of years ago, I became Little Ms Practical.

I was the only child he told and for the duration of his treatment, I went from home, work, hospital and back home again like some mindless robot nurse. I didn't cry once, not until he got the all clear and then I wept like a baby.

Maybe I thought after that, I would never have to watch someone I care about deal with the fear and uncertainty of a life threatening illness.

Today, a very good friend of mine is undergoing an operation to save her life. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I pray she makes it.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Laugh til You Cry !

As you all know I am a diva who likes to laugh..... hard! My laugh has been described at various times as being 'sexy', 'filthy', 'downright dirty' and 'infectious'.

With a weapon like that in my life's personality arsenal, it is fair to say that dates and friends need to be able to to turn my dial and make me laugh like a drain hopefully as often as possible.

C didn't let me down today. She called from her hotel to fill me in on her date with her man of choice....the only way I can describe these two is being like a downmarket version of Cybil Shepherd and Bruce Willis on Moonlighting.

This throughly daft pair of star-crossed lovers have been dancing around each other for the last 3 months. Neither of them will actually admit to liking the other, just in case they are wrong and make tits of themselves.

So far he's told a few people he thinks she is super hot and she's got slaughtered, but it didn't stop her saying explaining in exact detail what she wanted to do to him. Since both omissions they have been quietly been getting to know each other.

This they both ended up at a conference. He suggested they go jogging together, then forgot to bring his trainers. She was disappointed to hear he planning to go out for a few drinks with the boys.

That is until he showed up in the hotel lobby ready to take her out. After slipping into some killer heels and a dress that could get an angel in trouble, they set off on the short walk to the restaurant.

"I was so bloody happy to be spending time with him, that I got stomach craps, and then I sort of couldn't breathe, cause I was excited and then I really let myself down!"

"What did you do?", I replied, steadying myself for an impending belly laugh.

"Well it was all going really, really well, until I farted!"

"You did what?", I said laughing so hard, that I couldn't hold back the tears.

"I farted, really loudly. So loudly I couldn't even pass it off as someone else, as there was only the two of us there, and he knew it wasn't him that did it !".

"I know I said make an impression, I meant a good one, not a long lingering one", I said, just about able to speak.

"You not gonna tell anyone are you are you?" C pleaded.

"Are you kidding, this is comedy gold cherub", I said still laughing.

"Well at least don't use my name?"

"No problem Chenelle !"

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Are There Any Good Samaritans Left ?

Would you intervene if you saw someone in trouble?

I was shocked as I got of the train to see a fellow passenger being held in a headlock by another passenger. The passenger in the headlock cried out for assistance and was completely ignored by a crowd of people who thought it was ok to stare, but didn't want to get 'involved'.

I ran up the platform to find a member of staff and led a rather stroppy uniformed penguin to the incident. At the same time, the prisoner was released and the member of staff turned to blow her whistle, to prompt the train to depart. I interrupted her.

"Are you nuts? You've just seen what he did to that passenger and you want to let him remain on the train, to potentially do the same thing to other passengers? Don't you realise you have a duty of care when your wearing that uniform to the safety of your passengers?" I said angrily.

"It's not my problem!", was her curt response.

If we all take the same charming attitude that she did, then does that mean the self preservation will take preference over helping someone in trouble.

I really hope not.

Friday, 15 October 2010

The Not So Great Date

No not favourite Aussie minx LL, fought against the tide and decided that a younger man (22) might well be the answer to her man drought. She has been avoiding men since her last 'boy' handed her the bill for his weekend with her, when she paid a little too much attention (he thought) to someone else.

She met the 22 year old in a bar, and in a wine soaked fun haze, found him charming (despite his broken Italian English, cute (pub lighting is always so flattering!), fun (he laughed at her jokes) and ultimately was the complete opposite of the guys she's been used to.

They went out to dinner this week and of course the next day, our little click, couldn't wait to hear all the gory details.

"Good or bad?" I said using my Caesar gladitor thumb move.

"Pretty rubbish" she replied laughing hard.

After my morning latte, I swing my chair round to face her and get a full date debrief.

During the course of a fragmented date she identified three deal breakers for any girl about town.

1 Mr Wonderful shared a room with one other to save money - being careful with your money when you're young is totally acceptable,, but get your love interest to sign on the dotted line, that she's ok to share cheeky moments with you, and an uninvited other is pushing things.

2 He had their entire relationship mapped out to June next year including Christmas holiday and mini breaks,

3 He was a bad kisser - some things you should really be good at and if you are rubbish at them, you should get to grips with pronto.

With the memory and remnants of a particularly rubbish snogging session flashing before her eyes, she decided that she had to tell him that she couldn't take things any further.

"Why are all of my dates so rubbish?" she wailed.

"Maybe because you go after what you shouldn't babe. 10 years between a man and women are like dog years. He's not in a place you need him to be and you are where he's going to be in surprise, surprise 10 years !". We both laughed.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

A Miracle For All Of Us

Among the day to day monotony of our lives, mini rises and falls, come moments where you truly feel and embrace the miracle that is human life and the preciousness of it.

I stayed up last night like so many others to watch anxiously to see whether the Chilean miners would be rescued. I went to bed disappointed and really worried while final checks on the rescue capsule were made. When I awoke this morning, the first thing I did was turn on the radio to get an update.

My relief at the first of the men being brought to the surface, took me into an unexpected meltdown as I cried with the young boy who was reunited with his father.

I couldn't imagine for a second being forced to survive for sixty-nine days, underground, cut off from my friends and family I would have lost it, even if I had pen and paper write my feelings down on.

In the coming days and weeks there will no doubt be numerous press angles, focusing on the miners individual experiences, fears, challenges and hopes to not only survive but be reunited with their families again.

I really hope their stories focus on the strength of human spirit in adversity, as opposed to the already colourful emerging revelations that at least two of the men had secret mistresses,who have turned up to reclaim their men.

Twenty-four hour news is a wonderful thing, but the need to keep its media content live, so hot that it's a redtop hot exclusive, sometimes means that even the purest of miracles can become tarnished.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Holy Moly - Men Can Be Real Bitches !

There is nothing funnier than watching two testosterone soaked men, circling each other like two Essex girls at a Cricket dress sale, before going at it over the most trival arguement ever !

I couldn't resist staying behind at work to finish off my prep notes for a virtual training session I was holding with the States. My new neighbour aka Mr Mom - the man who loves his child tooooo much, had to work late.

To prevent the ineventual conversation about his child's latest amazing feat, I popped my headphones in and prayed he would shut up. No such joy.

His boss whose management expertise consists of last minute.comitis - the ability to leave everything business priority tasks to the very last minute and then expect your entire team to work late, to save your arse !); was on the war path.

The arguement between Mr Mum and Mr Last Minute started over nothing, but it got lively enough for me to remove my headphones and listen in, while still tapping furiously on my keyboard.

Mr Last Minute started with a few upper cuts before delivering a low blow.

"You lied about this piece of work and consequently, the whole body of work need to be revisited. I don't like liars!"

It turns out that being called a liar is the button, that can turn Mr Mom into the incredible Hulk and he hit back (verbally!), with a body rocking upper cut.

"How dare you! How dare you call me a liar. I am sitting here trying to make sense of work model that doesn't work. I've been given inconsistent information, which I am trying to reconcile. I'm tired, I'm frustrated and you've just been riding me. I just don't need it or appreciate it. I've got too much work today!"

"Too much to do. I give you real work, let's really get you spinning some plates. That's what I do every day. The fact of the matter is you lied and I don't like it!"

That's when Mr Mom fired the salvo no boss wants to hear from a member of staff during a crisis they've delegated to their team to handle.

"I'm telling you again don't call me a liar. I made a mistake, I gave you some information I believed to be true and as it turns out it's not. Don't you talk to me like that. Remember I'm a contractor, I don't have to stay here working late and if you continue like this ....I'll walk. I mean it, I'll walk!".

My typing speeded up considerably, as I tried to look like I was so into my work that I couldn't hear the arguement. Heaven only knows how I mentioned to keep from laughing out loud at these two peacocks trying to prove who could shout the loudest.

We all think that women are nature's bitches (when pushed), but after that little handbag shuffle, I say the men have it by a whisker!

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Express Yourself !

Work has been nuts...totally and completely nuts and maybe it's just what I needed after this the relevation from L that she is still in contact with her cheating X. He is now in 'therapy' for his 'issues' - I've never heard the inability to commit or habitual need to cheat on your other half, ever described as 'issues' before !

L reminds me so much of the mire of 'what if',I've been guilty in the past of wallowing in. I admit It is amazing how clearly you see crappy situations and the shitty behaviour of people when you are not directly having to deal with it.

Its another one of those relationship things, that I've finally figured out. Staying with someone, because you're worried you won't find someone else is hardly the premise of someone with a healthy outlook at relationships; or the likelihood to be in the right state to be able to form good ones.

O finally got back in touch (not text) which is of course the death nail to any association. His cheery remoteness amused me.

" Thanks for being understanding. Finished presentation. Totally shattered, so signing off, but I've got your number, so I'll call you."

Wow Hoo lucky, lucky me - something to look forward to ? I think not!

I'm not alone in the manless desert though, our resident office sex bomb BS chimed

"This has been my worst drought since I was 14!", At least I'm in esteemed company!

E-mail seems to be the weapon of choice for emotional outbursts also. This fabulous eruption was frantically tapped out and sent by a colleague, who finding her chair had been misappropriated, shared her venom with us all, under the aptly titled subject of 'Stealing Chairs'


Whoever keeps stealing my chair - which is super low so that my laptop screen is eye level and I don't end up squinting even more than I already do and becoming a total hunchback - STOP IT!

And no, getting a monitor won't help because at the moment I have to choose whether I want to use my laptop or write on old school paper as the bank of desks I sit at, is half the depth of every other desk and there isn't space for both, so no space for a monitor. And stealing another person's chair is just passing the problem somewhere else. Also all the other spare chairs won't lower !

Also, fyi, there is an entire stationary department in the building They have pens. Tonnes of them in lots of difference colours, so stop stealing mine !

I don't even care that this e mail is petty and ridiculous. I've had enough !!

Maybe there was something in the water, because prior to that funny e-rant, I erupted on finding out my new work desk buddy is none other than Super Dad.

SD is the type of parent, who believes that every waking moment of their child's existence should be recorded, as if failing to do so is somehow some offence against nature and anyone who happens to be alive. I swear if his kid so much as burps in a 'special' way, he whips his camera out faster than you can say pocket money !

When he didn't sit beside me, whenever the I-phone was pulled out with some new pics for universal admiration, complimented by an overly rambling story about said child, I would always slip away, returning to my desk only when I was completely sure that his tome was finished.

Don't get me wrong - I love children and part of my search for Mr OK (he's been demoted from Mr Right Now, because let's be honest, my calibre of suitor recently has been pretty pants!), is that I do want to be a wife and mother. I know it sounds completely ridiculous, but a Diva can dream can't she ?

But that doesn't mean to say I want to have the life of someone who already done it (smug marrieds, people who have suddenly become parents after trying for ages and then never stop banging on about their kids, sometimes unbelievably patronisingly so - "You're time will come"!, along with a pitying head lean which makes you feels like shit!)

It is way beyond annoying and just like the email,I'm not taking it lying down. I'm moving desks - tomorrow. There are some tortures which are too much to bear and this is one of them !

Sunday, 3 October 2010


One of the best things about Twitter, Facebook and of course blogs, is that when you are feeling super ranty, you can just pound away on your keyboard and tell anyone who's bothered, just how hacked off you are.

I have just spent the last hour twittering with an angry mob over of all things the X-Factor. Gamu and Tracey, two brilliant vocalists were let go, while Cher (who had a meltdown during her final performance) and Katie (who forgot her words and had to start again), got the big yes and now go on to perform in the live shows.

In the past it would been a water cooler moment at work, but the wonderful worldof twitter allowed me to rant to my hearts content. I was already feeling ranty, especially after O's Happy Sunday message this morning.

Yes this is the very same O, who had been so dismissive about TF, today he showed that he actually had a little more in common with TF, then he initially may have thought. As you know we were supposed to hang out today. That was until this popped up in my inbox this morning - is it just me or is calling a person going out of fashion!

"Hi BB hope you've had a good weekend so far.

Look, really really sorry to be a flake & cancel today, but not going to be able to make it. I've got a presentation to give on the Trust away day on Tues morning.I'm well behind and the panic is setting in!

Gonna have to bite the bullet and just work through today. Apologies, was aiming to have it done & dusted by yesterday.

I'll call you. X "

It's lucky I'm not a a neurotic or lacking in confidence,or disappointed - down playing a potential date is now second nature to me.

Fine it was a crap rainy day, but really O if you couldn't be bothered to meet or and this is giving you the benefit of the doubt, if you really had to work, you could at least been man enough to make a call.

Don't worry I'm not losing it,I'm just wondering when my crap man luck is going to end?