"So how are you doing?" said J today over a latte, doing that sideway lean thing that people do to you, when they're trying to be sympathetic and not being wholly successful at it.
"Not bad" I said surprising myself.
It's been exactly three weeks since I hit a complete frustration meltdown, that came from the now overlong saga oftrying to find a permanent gig and thus returning to that charmed, bubble like existence I was living in until several moons ago.
My saving grace has been my sister, who went through a similar life/work abyss a few years ago. Hers lasted two years in total and was so extreme and stressful that I am sure, the cancer she subsequently suffered from, and has thankfully since recovered from, was accelerated by the upheaval she went through.
In the past two weeks, I've talked to her about the lot, my highs, my lows, including dealing with constantly hearing 'No' (my least favourite word ever) or "We'll get back to you" (does that really ever happen nowdays?) and I've felt so much better for doing so. For finally owning that all has not been well with me for quite awhile.
Slowly but surely the seeds of my new life are emerging. The short-term gig I had has continued, albeit for a few less days a week. Miraculously I've just landed another gig to supplement those lost days, and as Mr Benn would say; as if by magic I'm still afloat.
Having faced of all those bloody 'No's' and my worst fear - not having the security of a regular paycheck; I have been working on my own business plan.
It's not revolutionary and it won't change the world, but it's an opportuity for me to prove myself and not feel that my future is in the hands of some faceless or uncaring suit, who's forgotten about me as soon as I've left the room.
The truth is with so many good people looking, candidate must-haves and interview chemistry have become essentials. Whereas before I've always lived to work, and if I'm honest done so to the detriment of my personal life (I was the original "No, I don't mind working the holidays or Bank Holiday"), now I merely work to pay my bills that's it. I have absolutely no passion for what I do.
Don't misunderstand me. I am incredibly blessed and lucky to be working at all. So many amazingly talented people I know aren't at the moment. As point of pride whatever I do, I do well but I now see it for what it is, a means to an end.
So what about that high flying career that I thought I had, along with all those rock solid industry contacts I'd built up over the years. The truth is, that 'career' and those people I gave so much too, were actually illusions built on quicksand. I never really got anywhere. I was always known as the grapher, but I never really felt I made it.
It's taken being on the brink physically, financially and almost mentally (in terms of losing my confidence) destroying myself, for me to realise that if you don't love what you do and balance it with a reasonable personal life; you're screwed. Pure and simple. Screwed.
Right now I'm excited. I love the instant connection and freedom of social media. That''s my passion. The fact that I don't have to be encased in a suit. Tied to a desk to talk about something, contact somebody or even brainstorm.
Yes my dear friends, for the first time in a long time BB can say hand on heart
'Anything's possible'.
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