Sex, Lies and That Videotape

Hot Fuss (Photo credit: Wikipedia)I hate to say it but all of this fuss surrounding Tulisa's Contostavlos sex tape, is not really news, or anything new for that matter.

Remember High School Musical Vanessa Hudgens naked pictures sent to her ex?

Or serial attention seeker and celebrity wannabe Imogen Thomas's accidentally on purpose 'leaked' sex tape; which she reminded us all about today.

Many moons ago, my first real boyfriend asked whether he could take some nude photographs of me for an 'art project' he was working on.

Just like Tulisa and her rat ex DJ Ultra (Ultra what ? Ultra  user, loser or just an arsehole?) I loved him. Actually I worshipped the ground he walked on.

First out of plain old fashioned lust (he was a ridiculously handsome lad :0 ).

Then, out of pathetic gratitude for him choosing me over the other campus hotties, who seemed to know his entire timetable backwards and didn't stop trying it on with him, despite them knowing we were an item.

Lovestruck or not, I said no and kept on saying no. There was something in the back of my mind that made me ask myself, how I would feel if say my parents or someone I didn't know ever got hold of those pictures. 

As it was, we broke up about six months later and aside from a cardigan I left at his place one night, that's all he had left of me.

Don't get me wrong I'm no prude and I can be just as naughty as the next woman, particularly when I'm loved up, but laying yourself open to the mercy of an ex-beau, who you may or may not be on friendly terms with is not a risk I think you should have to face.

Tulisa's initital reaction to the 'rumour' about the tape's existence was to deny, deny.

Then after legal (an attempted injunction against the tape being released online - which failed) and PR advice, (she denied it, her record label denied it) she finally decided to come clean about her filmed 'intimate moment' with a YouTube appeal to her public.

That appeal may well have saved her X Factor job, but by first lying about the tape, she has effectively labelled herself a liar and that 'good girl from the hood' persona she's harnessed during her ascent to fame, is now shredded.

I personally don't give a damn about what Tulisa does in her bedroom and I don't think anyone else should either, but like it or not as part of N Dubz and now as X Factor judge and budding solo artist, by default Tulisa has become a role model, created by the media and the hype machine that surrounds her.

Good girls and bad girls can get caught out by a smooth talking devil, but ultimately, it's up to us to own and deal with any potentially bad situations, to act with intelligence and foresight, and not be 'persuaded' that the way to keep things 'fresh' with your special someone is to do with your clothes off, on camera.

Birthday Blues!

Image via WikipediaSo how was my birthday yesterday?

Well there comes a time when you realise that birthdays are really for children and teenage hotties and I think that time has arrived for me.

So how was mine yesterday ? - Quiet. Almost like a wake in terms of fun and entertainment, but since I wasn't really feeling the moment, I couldn't have hoped for much more.

I don't know if I was still feeling flat from the gig no...apparently I was amazing, but needed some more hardcore hands on experience. 

If anyone knows how you get experience, without manging to secure a yes from people who can give you said additional experience, please pop your answers on a postcard to me !  Honestly there must be some mysterious in-between stage that I'm missing.

My b-day cards came from my parents and my best friends, a sure fire sign I need to step things up on the social front again :0 )

I spent an hour on the phone catching up with A, who I haven't spoken too in ages and actually gave me a mega boost and I agreed to meet up with L next week. My re-entry into society is on track.

Marilyn

Image via Wikipedia When people ask me who my favourite movie stars are, I usually bore them with a roll call of old Hollywood royalty.

Top of the pile for me in the glamour and enduring intrigue stakes is Ms Marilyn Monroe.

Aside from her obvious beauty, her acting ability, which was surprisingly good, particularly in her comedic roles, her vulnerability and ultimately tragically early death have captivated me into always wanting to know just that little bit more about her.

I got the chance to do this when I visited the Getty Images Gallery, who have pulled together a stunning collection of unseen Marilyn photographs, which mark her transition from cover girl to movie star, with a few candid 'private' shots also included.

The collection is complimented by a small, but significant selection of original dresses and costumes worn by Marilyn, which were lent to the Gallery by collector David Gainsborough Roberts, owner of the largest collection of Marilyn Monroe memorabilia in the world.

What struck me about the pictures was the fluidity of Marilyn's face, throughout the various images. In the shutter of a photographers' lens, her face could transform from girl next door to a sexy siren or just possess a stunning, haunted vulnerability which when faced head on, manages to draw you in.

The dresses and costumes are stunning, each accompanied by white information tablets, detailing their designers, fabrics, and appearances either in her movies or as part of her public or private wardrobes.

I was surprised to find that after years of speculation about Marilyn's size, looking at the mannequins, she couldn't have been any bigger than a UK10/12.

Close up the detail on the dresses and costumes is staggering - beautfully tailored, intricate beading, sculputured corsets and waistlines. Everything looked so contemporary in design and is so wonderfully preserved that they wouldn't look out of place on a modern day movie starlet.

My favourites were the show stopping red dress from 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes' and a gorgeous raspberry halterneck linen dress from the opening sequence of the movie that made her a star 'Niagara' . Fashion dynamite !!!

I left the exhibition feeling I knew Marilyn a little better. She was an old school ' feisty dame', who was bright and clever (check out the picture of her on the day bed reading a pretty hardcore book of poems!), had a wicked sense of humour and spirit; qualities that I think somehow, had been lost amid the numerous myths, conspiracy theories and jumbled retellings of her life and death.

I highly recommend you go and see it !!!!

Marilyn runs until 23rd May at the Getty Images Gallery
Admission is free.

New Day New BB

Encouragent has come to me from unlikely quarters and people. Twitter continues to be a source of information and support. Last night a lovely recruiter in Los Angeles DMd me with words of encouragement and the offer to brainstorm with me and look at ways to help me move forward.

So this morning I awoke with the determination to put aside yesterday's meltdown and woke ready to put myself out there again, namely in front of yet another agency.  I also sweetened the end of the my day by going to see my Pop.

As I filled out a 9 page registration form, that asked me to restate all the information that is already down in black and white detail on my cv, which this agency already has, plus references and bizarrely the contact details of my next of kin.

I'm not sure how likely it is that I would injure myself or fall ill on a temporary contract assignment, but you never know !  I could accidentally fall awkwardly on a biro or trip on a stapler or maybe inflame my fingers and wrists after an extended bout of report typing !  You just never know.

I totted the number of agencies I am with now and its....a lot ! A testament to my inability to deal with the boredom of not working.  It is like slow Chinese torture for a grapher like moi, to have nothing to do, no places to go to and way to few prospect meetings to prepare for.

It's also completely nuts and in a weird way, quite a funny indication of the numbers game that exists among agencies at the moment. However, bad things are I've never regarded myself as a number and fortunately the latest recruiter I'm working with doesn't either.

He did his best to sympathise with me yesterday, before conceding that should the news be bad (it would truly be a beyond fabulous Hollywood ending if it wasn't !) he would give me a full debrief....oh dear !

BB Wonders WTF Is Going On !

Image via WikipediaI'm not sure WTF is going on in BB world, but I'm confused.

Another text message from R to tell me..

"Hey Hope you are well. I won the Squash Champion Masters last weekend. Good to have something good happen for a change. Ho hum ! Have a good day and catch up soon. R"

Either he doesn't remember us splitting up or things must be really bad with him at the moment. I'm not gloating because I know it must take balls to keep on trying to connect with me, but that door's firmly closed now.

On the gig front - it was yet another disaster - lots of prep (two week's worth) - lots of hyping myself up (it is bloody hard to be positive in the face of not succeeding). I was beyond nervous throughout the whole meeting.

What got me was how right I was how great an opportunity the role was and how amazing it would have been to work with the team there. I was literally kicking myself as I left.  I left feeling so disheartened by my poor performance that only heading towards the nearest vat of chocolate could salve my misery.

If anyone would have told as I waved goodbye to the debris of 2011, that in 2012 I would find it equally, hard (despite reading, researching, Twittering, LinkingIn and randomly Facebooking) for me to convince someone I'm worth hiring and paying a few pennies on a consistent basis to, I really wouldn't have believed them.  How could one person be so unlucky right?  Seems I broke the mould !

So my search goes on pursuing other leads (I'm a persistent cow if nothing else) and praying for some sort of breakthrough, one person to say yes, just the one; that allows me to show what I can do, before I truly, truly lose what semblance of intelluct, hope and dignity I have left.

Talking  to NDNP helped no end. He told me what I needed to hear...."Keep going, there is a door open somewhere just for you".

The only thing that's keeping me sane right now is writing, thank God !

Fortunately, there is some light at the end of the tunnel P has invited me to stay with her in NY for a few weeks. I've turned it down before, but now I can think of nothing better to shake off this sheet of crap that seems to be wrapped around me at the moment.

Standing Up

Image via WikipediaI have increasingly worried by the “I didn’t see anything” vibe, that seems to be taking over London at the moment, that is until today, when I saw a guy stand up and be counted with practically no support from his peers.

I was sitting in the library skimming my way through yet more pitch research, when a man (JA for Jackarse) at the end of the role starting swearing loudly.

The guy (MI Mr intervention) sat directly beside him, told him to stop asking him why he was using such foul language and wasn’t he ashamed of himself. JA responded by raising the volume and swearing even louder.

You would have though MI who was actually quite a small guy, who was on crutches no less, would back down, but he didn’t repeating what he had said previously and throwing in a Daphne and Celeste ‘You’re Ugly’ taunt as well.

As the JA moved towards him, red and spluttering, looking ready to punch his lights out, suddenly a lady librarian moved into the fray, along with would you believe it another mini hero ready to take a stand. During the whole time, the rest of the library looked on.

It took a firm barked “Can you just leave please!” from a lady librarian, to finally make the JA turn away and me telling MI, to just let it go and stop yelling insults at JA, as the escalator thankfully, took him away from us down to the next level.

And where was security ? – They showed up 10 minutes after everything had kicked off. A guy who had earlier tried to engage me in a rather feeble ‘What’s your name princess?’ moment (I wasn’t going there!), bounced across and started banging on about how brave I was !

“Well I would have been wasting my time, if I was waiting on you to step up, wouldn’t I?” I answered.

Four Square and Revelations

Cover of Destiny's Child

My Four Square “I don’t mind where you are, if you really want to tell me " circle has been infiltrated by a pest mega user of the very worst kind. The one that literally tells you where he is, every moment of his (and it feels like my) day !

My I-phone hasn’t stopped flashing as it tells me that Mr Four Square is at the tube station, having a coffee, at a bar....it goes on and on. WTF! I would de-four square friend him if I knew how, so if any of you do, let me know.

Why am I so grumped out by it, mainly because it shows how incredibly boring his life is. I think if you are going to share your movements with the world, for goodness sake, try and make them a little interesting and humorous. Think about it, if you are only sharing, so you can become Mayor of somewhere, then what the hell you need to get out a little more !!

So onto the revelation which for once, isn’t one of mine!

You know we all have that friend who is always, always doing better than we are. The one who’s life seems permanently great. You know, funny, warm and charmed, even when they are going through tough stuff.

Bloody hell, I don’t believe it, even as I’m typing, Mr Four Square has just checked-in at West Ruislip Railway Station – as I said before, really who gives a damn, because I know I don’t !

Anyway back to my friend F, his revelation this week was that his life is anything but ‘charmed’ and that he has hit the wall on every level – mentally, financially and emotionally and is about to walk away from everything and start again....from scratch!

Over the last eight months we have shared our highs and lows and but at no stage did F betray any signs of imploding on this scale, in fact he’s always seemed far from it.

I’ve always worried about F, because whereas I have always been Bargain Basement Betty, F’s taste has been Player Designer Dan and we’ve actually argued in the past over his spending and how he treats women.

I have listened as he has thrown positive affirmations at me, challenged some of my decisions, and then offered these manmade neat, ‘quick fix’ suggestions; while I have sat there often wondering, whether he had ever considered walking in my shoes for a day or two and seeing if he really could do any better.

For the last 8 months, I have operated in Destiny’s Child Survivor (fierce make-up and weave perfect at all times) 'keeping it real' mode, bobbing along, trying to keep my head above water.

Floating along a river of no’s on the work front (I swear everyone is looking for a new gig at the moment!), hurtling past dodgy dating moments and eking out my girl about town existence, on those occasional gig yes’s, while dropping just over a stone in weight (well there’s always a silver lining isn't there?) on the back of the stress of it all.

Listening to him on the phone, my heart bled for him. It was as if the rose-tinted glasses were finally off and the genuine fear of losing everything, including this faux golden life, he has built up had hit home all at once.

It’s super scary, that moment when you take your head out of the sand and face your truth.

We talked more honestly then I think we ever have (and I've known him for over ten years), chewing over his feelings of loss, fear and disappointment and then tried to figure out some practical options to dig himself out of this hole.

At the end of our phone conversation, I felt strangely relieved, that we were finally both on the same page. This recession which has been taking out the great and the good daily, along with your average Joe, feels to me in this weird way, like some great universal wake-up call.

Levelling out economic and emotional differences between us all and in a strange way providing us with the opportunity (even though it feels hard and forced) to revaluate our lives in terms of how we live them, what we do with them and even the impact of our actions on others.

This week has been another big one for me. Another one of those dream opportunities has presented itself and I am now just one meeting away from moving into the industry I have dreamed about since I was 6.

Am I terrified of missing out ? Damn right I am ! I’ve been so close way, way too many times recently to that big break, not be scared of missing out again. To avoid any rogue hexx's which might be out there, I'm keeping my cards close to my chest on this one and haven't told or talked to anyone about this one apart from you guys.

I want this one...so much I can taste it! I want it more than a tear soaked, over emotional X-Factor contestant and more than (and this is HUGE!) more than I want to wake up as Beyonce ! Oh come on it would be great to be Ms B, even if it was for just one day !

Whereas last year I was a fully paid member of the “Please can something please go right for me club” and if I’m honest, living in fear of the next crappy thing happening, things are very different now.

Now, I am cautiously hopeful about things going my way, because I have the determined work ethic of a stubborn mule, in addition to a ridiculously optimistic sense of hope in people, and the self belief to keep doing what I’m doing.

All it takes is one big gun to like what I do and then well..it would be Christmas, my birthday and the 4th July all rolled into one !

So this post is for those of you out there walking the tightrope or hanging by a thread – Let’s all stay strong and just keep on going. Good times are just around the corner.

Home Truths

Lunch with SN was just what the Love Dr ordered. We caught up over lunch and as usual he didn't mince his words about my latest love hangover.

"You would think having behaved like such an arse to you, in the way he broke up with you, before he even tried talking to you to get some sort of friendship going, he would at the very, very least apologise. You know that little word 'Sorry' wouldn't have gone amiss".

"I couldn't agree more", I said swiftly dissecting another piece of chicken and blending it with my coleslaw and my rather yummy spare ribs gravy.

"He's clearly having a tough time at the moment and just wants to hook up with the last squeeze who made him feel good. I'm just glad you're not buying it.  He's an idiot. It would be different if he would just own his shit, but he actually thinks he can pick up where he left off. It just doesn't make any sense !"

It's funny how sometimes you can mull things over in your head, but it doesn't feel real or solid until someone else says so.  I'm sticking to my guns.

The Dilemma

Image via Wikipedia So I know it was coming but now it's here, my heart is a pile of mush, while my head keeps telling me to keep it together and stick to my guns.

R has been in contact a lot recently via lots of texts, which seems to be the favoured language that some guys adopt, when they are trying to 'feel' their way back into a 'situation' !

Without sounding smug I'm not surprised. Our break-up was so abrupt and unexpected.

It took me totally by surprise. It bugged me so much that it left me questioning how, even when I date a 'good guy', things turn out to be just as complicated as my standard 'non-commitment' guy.

First he tried to appeal attempt to my humourous side with :

"Hey check out the oops list at http//oopslist.com and put a smile on your face today :0) R "

....and then built up to a dramatic high yesterday with:

"Hi BB how's life. My Grandma died a few weeks ago and my Dad has just been diagnosed with cancer, so I guess life is delivering a few challenges at the moment xx".

What could I say ?

"R, I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandma's death and Dad's diagnosis. I'm holding good thoughts for you and your family x"

He was obviously reaching out for support and understanding, but do I let myself go there again?

He broke up from me, with all the subtlety of a schoolboy swapping one schoolgirl crush for another and did a 360 in terms of where he saw our relationship utimately heading.

Half of the battle I've found in the dating game is owning your baggage ( and wow do I have a lot of that !) and knowing what you do and don't want. Now that I've figured that stuff out, right now however much I'd like to, I don't want to be a rock or fix it girlfriend, for someone who isn't honest with themselves and disappears instead of working things through.

I deserve better.