Saturday, 10 March 2012

Four Square and Revelations

Destiny's ChildCover of Destiny's Child

My Four Square “I don’t mind where you are, if you really want to tell me " circle has been infiltrated by a pest mega user of the very worst kind. The one that literally tells you where he is, every moment of his (and it feels like my) day !

My I-phone hasn’t stopped flashing as it tells me that Mr Four Square is at the tube station, having a coffee, at a goes on and on. WTF! I would de-four square friend him if I knew how, so if any of you do, let me know.

Why am I so grumped out by it, mainly because it shows how incredibly boring his life is. I think if you are going to share your movements with the world, for goodness sake, try and make them a little interesting and humorous. Think about it, if you are only sharing, so you can become Mayor of somewhere, then what the hell you need to get out a little more !!

So onto the revelation which for once, isn’t one of mine!

You know we all have that friend who is always, always doing better than we are. The one who’s life seems permanently great. You know, funny, warm and charmed, even when they are going through tough stuff.

Bloody hell, I don’t believe it, even as I’m typing, Mr Four Square has just checked-in at West Ruislip Railway Station – as I said before, really who gives a damn, because I know I don’t !

Anyway back to my friend F, his revelation this week was that his life is anything but ‘charmed’ and that he has hit the wall on every level – mentally, financially and emotionally and is about to walk away from everything and start again....from scratch!

Over the last eight months we have shared our highs and lows and but at no stage did F betray any signs of imploding on this scale, in fact he’s always seemed far from it.

I’ve always worried about F, because whereas I have always been Bargain Basement Betty, F’s taste has been Player Designer Dan and we’ve actually argued in the past over his spending and how he treats women.

I have listened as he has thrown positive affirmations at me, challenged some of my decisions, and then offered these manmade neat, ‘quick fix’ suggestions; while I have sat there often wondering, whether he had ever considered walking in my shoes for a day or two and seeing if he really could do any better.

For the last 8 months, I have operated in Destiny’s Child Survivor (fierce make-up and weave perfect at all times) 'keeping it real' mode, bobbing along, trying to keep my head above water.

Floating along a river of no’s on the work front (I swear everyone is looking for a new gig at the moment!), hurtling past dodgy dating moments and eking out my girl about town existence, on those occasional gig yes’s, while dropping just over a stone in weight (well there’s always a silver lining isn't there?) on the back of the stress of it all.

Listening to him on the phone, my heart bled for him. It was as if the rose-tinted glasses were finally off and the genuine fear of losing everything, including this faux golden life, he has built up had hit home all at once.

It’s super scary, that moment when you take your head out of the sand and face your truth.

We talked more honestly then I think we ever have (and I've known him for over ten years), chewing over his feelings of loss, fear and disappointment and then tried to figure out some practical options to dig himself out of this hole.

At the end of our phone conversation, I felt strangely relieved, that we were finally both on the same page. This recession which has been taking out the great and the good daily, along with your average Joe, feels to me in this weird way, like some great universal wake-up call.

Levelling out economic and emotional differences between us all and in a strange way providing us with the opportunity (even though it feels hard and forced) to revaluate our lives in terms of how we live them, what we do with them and even the impact of our actions on others.

This week has been another big one for me. Another one of those dream opportunities has presented itself and I am now just one meeting away from moving into the industry I have dreamed about since I was 6.

Am I terrified of missing out ? Damn right I am ! I’ve been so close way, way too many times recently to that big break, not be scared of missing out again. To avoid any rogue hexx's which might be out there, I'm keeping my cards close to my chest on this one and haven't told or talked to anyone about this one apart from you guys.

I want this much I can taste it! I want it more than a tear soaked, over emotional X-Factor contestant and more than (and this is HUGE!) more than I want to wake up as Beyonce ! Oh come on it would be great to be Ms B, even if it was for just one day !

Whereas last year I was a fully paid member of the “Please can something please go right for me club” and if I’m honest, living in fear of the next crappy thing happening, things are very different now.

Now, I am cautiously hopeful about things going my way, because I have the determined work ethic of a stubborn mule, in addition to a ridiculously optimistic sense of hope in people, and the self belief to keep doing what I’m doing.

All it takes is one big gun to like what I do and then would be Christmas, my birthday and the 4th July all rolled into one !

So this post is for those of you out there walking the tightrope or hanging by a thread – Let’s all stay strong and just keep on going. Good times are just around the corner.
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