Tuesday, 13 March 2012

BB Wonders WTF Is Going On !

The Abyss of WondersImage via WikipediaI'm not sure WTF is going on in BB world, but I'm confused.

Another text message from R to tell me..

"Hey Hope you are well. I won the Squash Champion Masters last weekend. Good to have something good happen for a change. Ho hum ! Have a good day and catch up soon. R"

Either he doesn't remember us splitting up or things must be really bad with him at the moment. I'm not gloating because I know it must take balls to keep on trying to connect with me, but that door's firmly closed now.

On the gig front - it was yet another disaster - lots of prep (two week's worth) - lots of hyping myself up (it is bloody hard to be positive in the face of not succeeding). I was beyond nervous throughout the whole meeting.

What got me was how right I was how great an opportunity the role was and how amazing it would have been to work with the team there. I was literally kicking myself as I left.  I left feeling so disheartened by my poor performance that only heading towards the nearest vat of chocolate could salve my misery.

If anyone would have told as I waved goodbye to the debris of 2011, that in 2012 I would find it equally, hard (despite reading, researching, Twittering, LinkingIn and randomly Facebooking) for me to convince someone I'm worth hiring and paying a few pennies on a consistent basis to, I really wouldn't have believed them.  How could one person be so unlucky right?  Seems I broke the mould !

So my search goes on pursuing other leads (I'm a persistent cow if nothing else) and praying for some sort of breakthrough, one person to say yes, just the one; that allows me to show what I can do, before I truly, truly lose what semblance of intelluct, hope and dignity I have left.

Talking  to NDNP helped no end. He told me what I needed to hear...."Keep going, there is a door open somewhere just for you".

The only thing that's keeping me sane right now is writing, thank God !

Fortunately, there is some light at the end of the tunnel P has invited me to stay with her in NY for a few weeks. I've turned it down before, but now I can think of nothing better to shake off this sheet of crap that seems to be wrapped around me at the moment.
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