Monday, 25 October 2010

I Would Do Anything But I Won't Do That !

....My prayers have been answered and my friend made it big-time! She has an excellent long-term prognosis and we can all breathe again, thank God. I was so bloody grateful to see her up and about, I hugged her way too long and just about held back from crying.

Elsewhere,my worst fears have been been confirmed. After just a few short weeks of separation and attempting to re-enter the tunnel of non-love - commonly known as crappy dating (a universe I know so well!), L is ready to throw in the towel and take him back for what seems to me the most unfortunate of reasons.

We talked over the weekend and she declared.

"I'm not ready to come home yet"

If marrying him to get residency is the only way to keep her US dream alive, then right now that's what she's prepared to do and second because she believes (she says)it is better the devil she knows, to stuck with him.

Listening to someone convince themselves to do something which is potentially one of the most detrimental things, they can do to themselves, is like being a bystander at a car crash, you know you could have stopped.

After all we are talking about a guy that didn't cheat once, he cheated repeatedly over the course of a two year relationship in a very deliberate and calculating way. He even tried to convince her that she was being unreasonable and jealous...the trait of a well seasoned cheat.

Even when he got busted he pulled the "I always thought you would leave me!" card and then proceeded to go on about being prepared to do anything he could to stay with her, including the counselling she had been talking about for months previously.

What amazes me is how an otherwise street saavy, academically bright, together woman could seriously think that a cheat is all she is worthy of. L bemoaned "the fallow dating ground" and talked about "time running out" for her in terms of finding someone available and having children.

Speaking as a diva with universally acknowledged pants taste in men. Someone who has made some of the most stupid decisions for my life, based on my gut instinct and feelings and then spent ages getting over it, I have to say I genuinely surprised in the change in her since she moved abroad.

Despite probably having every romantic notion of mine rubbished and contradicted, I still believe that 'settling'isn't a recipe for personal unhappiness.

Believe me I've tried it.

Two years with R (one year happy, so completely unhappy,that just one chaste, but lust fuelled dinner with H made me realise what I'd been missing - or so I thought! ).

My three year long distance mayhem with the American - we broke up more times than some people date for, serially breaking each other's hearts as we just couldn't figure out how to make it work both ways.

And how could I forget more recently M, who I initially didn't like, who I let my guard down with, began a relationship with only for him to say he could never, ever fall in love with me, capping my misery by telling me to "Be lucky!".

Despite everything, I still believe there is somebody out there who thinks that hanging out with me is not akin to a slow death. That gets my dodgy humour, thinks I look okish with my warpaint on, trusts me implicitly and totally has my back no matter what. Did I wait all this time to end up with someone who treats me like crap and doesn't value me.

Hell no!
I changed tact with L and appealed to her better judgement.

"You are essentially someone who wants what your folks have. It isn't perfect, but its real. A partnership between two people who have accepted each other faults and all and decided to stick it out. Not to lie or cheat on each other, to hang on in there no matter what; even when walking through the door is an easy option. If you think that selling the hope of the 'real deal' with someone, for a passport and a few years spent with someone you don't trust in a country you don't want to leave is ok, then go for it, but I know you better than that".

Even if the guy had multiple passports and was beyond solvent, I would still have to reconcile that price, versus my ability to put my head on my pillow at night and feel ok with what my part of what our relationship bargain was.

I am content with my friends and family (nearly all the time!), great job (nearly all the time!), beautiful home (nearly all the time!) and weave (there's no such thing as a black woman who is totally satisfied with their weave - we always want more!).

Sure I have lonely days, pathetically lonely days, where I doubt myself on every level from attractiveness, intelluct even down to just feeling like there is something fundamentally unloveable about the B, I show to the world every day. But the minute we abandon all hope, we might as well throw in the towel.

Just like love, hope is the torch of honesty, that I think is the core of any relationship be it romantic or platonic. Our destiny is in our hands, what you wish for yourself, can only be limited by you. This is what I feel she is doing and I sincerely hope she will not come to bitterly regret the path, she seems intent on taking.

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