All Coming Up Roses

No I'm not missing in action ! Your favourite diva has been nesting. Yes, the building work at BB Towers is finally finished.

To match my gleaming new bathroom, I now have a beautiful floorboard laden living room, coated in a light mink colour on its walls and showcasing that beautiful mirror of mine.

The house now truly feels like mine. Light, glamourous,sexy as hell and so delicious I feel almost naughty living in it.

Watching all the dust flying round and rubbish rapidly amassing in my garden, has given me the opportunity to downsize. It's amazing how much of a hoarder I am. I have birthday cards from primary school, dresses I wore at secondary school and way too many shoes.

I swear the more stuff that went on my rubbish tip the lighter I felt. I even found the Cosmic Ordering List, Mr Scotland made in the days when we actually fancied each other.

That single sheet of paper said every about what was important to him. It reads:

1 I want a big house by the sea (that one I agreed with - living by the sea would be amazing and I am going to make that happen for me one day!
2. I want an Aston Martin (great car for a sexy single boy).
3 I want to be my own boss (he is sooooo right about that one!)
4. I want to own a restaurant (in our two years together he never cooked once!)
5. I want a flat in London overlooking the Thames (nice, but not practical for a family).
6. I want a house in San Sebastion(Wow this boy was obsessed by property!).
7. I want to publish a book.
8. I want to be able to speak French, Spanish and Italian (he'd buy the DVD's play them for a week then not use them again!).
9. I want to be fit (he was a tubby little so and so, but very funny when he wanted to be).
10. I want to be a good cook (see point 4)
11. I want to throw famous parties (who doesn't, but few can actually rise to occasion.
12. I want to own Celtic and then have them win the Champions League(yeah right!)

Nowhere on that list is there any mention of being happy, having a family, making a good life for himself and others. It's no wonder we came to such a sticky ending.

However, there is one thing to be learnt from him men do speak the truth, we just sometimes choose not to hear them. Unlike say Hottie, aka the one who broke my heart, there isn't a day that goes by, that I'm not relieved that I didn't end up with Mr Scotland.

Material things and the acquirement of them are all well and good, but you need someone to share them with. Preferably someone who isn't with you, just for your wallet.

The One with the update on the bank job !

That boring bank job that I thought I'd died a death at during my interview last week,came back to life today when they invited me to a second interview

Great, I thought until my agency gently let me know that the interview would be for two and a half hours. Instantly my mind started jerking backwards and forwards in time, desperately trying to rid my myself of the ghosts and fears I have about overly long second interviews..

Psychometric testing has always bothered me. The idea of some faceless person, sitting in a room judging me against distinct pockets of behaviour, on the basis of me answering some questions is really nuts.

No two people are the same and every one is changeable from day to day. It's put me off the job a little and once again it made me look at myself and the way I too judge people, in particular men.

The one man who continues to surprise me is T. Arr...if only he were twenty five years younger and had more teeth. T has moved on from casting his spell in my bathroom, to transforming my living room with his own particular brand of fairy dust.

While I fully expected him to take several days, to carefully lift off 40 years worth of paper and very uneven plaster (not mine, the previous owners); once again his dedication to getting the job done, meant that the hurricane effect he had in the bathroom continued in my living room.

I came home to find the living room was totally bare aside from the tv - T watches the football, during his very rare breaks - and the dinning room table, which is so heavy even a determined fellow like T can't move it without assistance.

The venetian mirror I have been waiting for, which was somehow delivered to a business address just around the corner from me, has arrived and as I was at work T picked it up - it is as beautiful as it is large and I can't wait to hang it above my fireplace.

For someone who likes their world and home pretty orderily, I've surprised myself by accepting all the change that's going on around me. It feels like my house is really for the first time my own.

I feel brave, able to take on surprises and challenges not to just respond to things that happen to me. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Another New Start

Since the last time we talked I have

a) Finished my six month work assignment. I spent Friday hugging it out with those who cared and was ignored by those who didn't really give a damned as I was just 'that bloody temp!'. I de BB'd my pc, tied up all my outstanding tasks left the building with a spring in my step.

b)Turned my beautiful new bathroom in a zen spa, complete with buddha, scented candles, flowers and fluffy white towelling robe - all those stays in boutique hotels have finally paid off!

c)Met up with H whose back from Singapore, loaded (she's a commodities trader),but single (her boyfriend cheated on her while she worked all those crazy hours), she's off to the States to make a new start - there definitely seems to be something in the water this year.

and d)Delivered my Father's Day card, gave him two new books and hung out with the main man - my Pop - who was grumpy, laugh out loud funny and unfortunately, not feeling well.

He has always been a little melodramatic about his health. His advanced age has now delivered a flurry of new genuine aliments for him to complain about,something which he throughly enjoys and revelled in today.

Tomorrow I start my new assignment at an advertising agency. I have my fingers crossed, that I make a few friends and conquer my dislike of working for women -I'm working for two of them. Keep your fingers crossed for me....and them!

And Now The End Is Near..

Well the girls didn't hold back with their feedback re:my last posting.

LMM said "How bloody rude ! I bet he wasn’t all that himself and he wonders why he’s single?"

T2 was equally cutting "OMG the audacity of some people!!! How awful! What an arsehole!!!! What’s give him the right to be so rude!"

It is a truth universally accepted by all the single ladies, that men can sometimes act like jerks. The measure of those single ladies, is how they deal with it. I'm still laughing!

Besides who can afford to waste her valuable time thinking about an a-hole, when her beautiful new bathroomis nearing completion.

Today I returned to find gleaming toothpaste white full gloss wall tiles, newly laid floor tiles, a gorgeous shower, bath minutes from being plumbed in. I am in bathroom heaven !

Three more days and let the candle-lit bathtimes commence!

Men Are Definitely from Mars !

The etiquette of internet dating continues to bemuse me. Take this funny email exchange I've just had with a truly charming fellow.

J - "Easy on the eye-so are you? You only have head and shoulders shots on your profile. I work out a lot and all of my gf's have had great bodies".

BB "How direct you are. If you mean am I a fat cow, no I'm not. I go to the gym 3 times a week. I deliberately went for a head and shoulders shot so that hopefully the guys who contact me are interested in my mind, as well as my other bits".

J - "Yeah,I hear there are a lot of guys like that out there. I ain't one of them good luck -x-"

BB "Fair play to you for being so honest. Good luck also -x- "

With moments of truth like that, it takes a true diva to find laughter where only the most shallow souls exist!

I'm not saying I don't consider people's looks. We all do, but I really hope we're not all as bluntly indelicate and 'hollow' as J is !

Could that possibly why he's single? Now stop laughing all of you !

Early Bird

I know I said I love T and I still do, but hell have no fury like a BB disturbed from her only lie in of the week on Saturday. As I snuggled down just a little further under my sheets, I heard the loud beep of my mobile ringing.

My hand shot out from under the sheets to silence the noise. I felt for the phone, placed it to my ear and heard him say.

“BB you come down and open door please, I ready finish tiling”

“Ok, but you do know it is 7:30am on a Saturday morning”

“Yes, I always work Saturdays yes”

“I guess so. Give me two minutes” I said grumpily, trying to put the phone back on the nightstand, missing completely and landing with a thud on my bedroom floor.

One cup of coffee later and I was back in the land of the living. I popped next door for my shower (everybody really needs good neighbours who let you use their facilities when have been ripped out and now reside in your backyard ! ).

I was unbelievably out of the house by 8:30 – unheard of for me, unless I’ve got a flight to catch !

When I arrived back from lunch with the girls, I was met by an excited T.

“Put football on quick please. Nigeria v Argentina – must not miss football !”.

I obliged then left, knowing full well that I would get no further sense out of him. By the time I got back the football was over and the tiling was done thank goodness!

Random Acts of Kindness

Happy Friday guys!

Although my friends would tell you that as a whole, I’m quite a good egg, I will own to the fact that my trust in people in the last few years has taken a bit of a kicking.

I have over the years regularly put myself out there for people, often to the detriment of myself and always been hugely disappointed when the unconditional BB love I’ve freely given out hasn’t been returned or in some cases has been trampled and dismissed. As off

Consequently, over the last year and a half I’ve toughened up. Mentally, I’ve always been a strong, independent woman out of nature and necessity, constantly operating in survivor mode, because really if I fall, I don’t have anyone to pick me up and ‘fix things’ for me, the buck stops with BB.

I'm only human so yes, I’ve hit the black hole of despair in my life quite a few times, to varying degrees; but I’ve always got off the floor however rough things were and pushed through.

Unfortunately, the knowledge that I have that strength, does makes me sometimes dismissal of others so-called problems and unintentionally judgemental.

It’s also made me a little cynical but whenever, I go against my initial gut instinct I end up paying for it. Having finally digested this valuable lesson about myself, sticking by this golden rule has generally paid off.

But something happened yesterday, that made me glad to take a leap of faith. I was trailing through yet another DIY store looking for of all things solvent cement (?) which T needed to finish some plumbing work.

I passed a very smiley salt and pepper haired man, who moved to the side to let me pass in a narrow aisle. I thanked him and headed to the cashpoint. I asked the cashier the quickest back to town and we laughed as I complained about how far the store was from the tram, particularly in heels and she told me how the misleading online map co-ordinates had led many a weary DIYer to take the ‘long way’ to the store.

As I prepared to trek back to the tram station, the nice man appeared beside me with his wife.

“Sorry to startle you, but we’re heading back into town and we’d be happy to give you a lift”

For a split-second my diva spider sense kicked in as I gave them both the once over – they do say that most serial killers are very, very ordinary - before accepting their offer.

OMG - They were both lovely, total sweethearts. They’d been in the store to pick up a loft door which wasn’t in stock and within the next 20 mins, I learnt about their family, their marriage 30 years standing – (I always marvel when someone says something as cool as that. Commitment to working at and keep a good relationship solid is something I think we should all try to aspire to).

“But we do have our ups and down, but without them we and life would be dull!”, laughed smiley man.

They talked about their business, how long they’d lived in the area and this bit proves how nuts life is, they live just 2 roads away from me. They dropped me off at my front door having given me one of their business cards and told me to pop in for a coffee anytime.

In a sometimes self absorbed, insular world where looking after yourself, as opposed to your neighbour is often not just a priority but a necessity, along with contending with daily challenges, an economy on its knees; its good to know that there are still some truly wonderfully kind people out there.


Bathroom Update Day Four

T is tiling already and says he is plumbing the bath in tomorrow. If he were 30 years younger, didn’t have a beard and was a little less grumpy in the mornings, I’d marry him !

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Just like rain and buses, men often appear when you least expect them and for some reason (or maybe a lack of women on the two particular websites I subscribe to!) my inbox is bulging with new prospective beaus vying for to ‘connect’ with me, which after my whinging minnie posting yesterday makes me look like the self absorbed cow I can sometimes be ! .

You can always count on the universe to balance things out and make you laugh when you realise how completely over the top and needy you are being.

Out of the 14 emails I received, the following were the ones that grabbed my attention, not all of them for the right reasons!

E, is in IT, dodgy taste in t-shirts as shown in his profile picture, easy on the eye, with a lovely smile and as he put in caps in his profile “LOOKING FOR A NON DRAMA RELATIONSHIP”. Now that would be a novelty for me!

Then there was C29. a 29 year old property developer, kinda of cute, with a full head of very floppy brown hair, some funny photos and an even funnier profile.

A real cutie pie, but just a little young for me, but yummy enough to send a cheeky mail back to just for the hell of it.

Then there was ‘The Suspicious One’ - Y who’s opening email entitled YOUUUU !! said..

….. “I just needed to tell you….you’re amazzzing !“

This of course had me in stitches right way. Talk about over the top. I’m just your average female, not some super heroine, who performs out of this world human feats, unless we are talking about having the capacity to retain song lyrics and celebrity gossip in my head, like some working media encyclopaedia.

There is nothing particularly outstanding about me, apart from my filthy laugh, extremely small ears and a pocketful of opinions I like to spout to anyone who’ll listen.

I know what I see in the mirror doesn’t quite tally with the me I see in my mind’s eye - A truly fabulous diva (depends on the day, the hour and the moment) and about 6ft (in my dreams!) without heels.

Faced with a mega cheesy profile and email from him, coupled with the absence of his own photograph and my alarm bells were ringing off the hook.

A profile without a picture can mean so many different things and all the single ladies out there should be aware of the following, when faced with such a situation.

1)Your prospective love interest is a little shy.

2) He perhaps lacks confidence in his looks – maybe he’s a little overweight, bald or just generally unfortunate looking.

3)He is a married man - yes, MM’s can be very naughty indeed. Some pretend they are ‘separated’ while some others, are actually brazen enough to say they are married on their profiles.

4)He is your classic multiple numbers player. He already has a full-time girlfriend, but is looking to take some time out of the relationship without actually telling his girlfriend about it.

5) He can’t upload a photograph of himself – which means he is either unable to follow simple instructions or just couldn’t be bothered to find a decent picture.

Y went with option 5, then gave me his mobile number – the one he only gives to ‘special people’ (?), his MSN and yahoo accounts and asked me to send him some more photographs of myself.

Now does that sound legit to you? No? Me neither!

Fancy Bumping Into You!

As I actually began this blog to chronicle the misadventures of my dating life, aside from other general musings about my life, I suppose now’s as good a time as any to give you all a dating update, particularly after my chat with J last night.

“So how’s the man hunt going? “ she said, having called in at BB Towers, to marvel at my speed-stripped bathroom and offer me the use of her bathroom facilities for the next two weeks.

“In a word, shocking cherub. Totally shocking !"

Yep, things are so bad the moment, that the only man lowlight in my calendar is receiving the repeated, increasingly needy text messages from Mr Invisible.

I hate to be harsh, but I maybe he thinks I’m deploying the old “Treat them mean, keep em keen” manoeuvre.

There’s mean and then there’s “No I really don’t want to go out with you, I’ve told you this to you face twice now, but you still keep calling me and texting me”.

Yes, I was that direct with him and still he keeps coming back like some overwrought crazy dating Terminator.

The woman I was when I first started writing this blog, would have been crushed to be halfway through another year still single.

To let out some of that rejection anger, I most definitely would have dead headed a few rose bushes, and cried (quitea lot!), at such a sorry state of affairs, but I’m serenely calm about it.

With everything else that’s going on, I don’t think I have time for a man….hell, who am I kidding I’d make time!

I hit the gym after work with LMM and power plated myself to a standstill, before catching the train for an uneventful journey home.

Unfortunately, it wasn't. Sitting across from me, face half buried in a beard that made him look like a villian from an old black and white movie was Mr Invisible.

With escape not an option,I politely nodded as he prattled on, finally being saved by the train pulling into my station.

"I'll call you" he yelled as I got off the train.

Rise and Shine.

I’ve heard of men who are ‘up with the larks'. Those crazy men who keen to maximise their limited time get up at five, go to the gym or out for a run and in some really extreme caess, play golf to start their day off the right way!

I actually know two guys who love a spot of morning golf to sharpen their claws, before they strike their latest deal or chew up a rival or two in the Board Room. Strangely, enough they are both single and of course love dating babywomen !

I am no stranger to early risers myself by default. Even on the weekend C, used to get up ridiculously early, so he could have his tea and toast, play video games, watch dvds and loll around in his dressing gown, like a little boy who was off sick from school.

T arrived at BB Towers, so early this morning to get started on the bathroom,that he caught me make-up free, barely dressed, but most definitely resembling a startled scarecrow with my hair refusing to lay flat, without its customary blob of styling oil.

“I am here !” he declared.

Even before I could respond, he was busily attacking the hinges of the bathroom door, with an oversized screwdriver. At this rate he’ll finish the plumbing and tiling by Friday!

10 minutes later, clad in full war paint, skinny jeans, white vest and red ‘n’ white cowboy shirt, topped off by a cheeky black cropped leather jacket (I looked so good itwould be wrongof me not to share it!!) I left for work.

Work has been beyond quiet this week, with most of the department out of the business at an overseas conference. I’ve been making good use of the time, fine tuning pitches, proposals and drumming up some more contract work for moi.

My anticipated dull day was boosted by the return of LMM, looking beyond fabulous with a sun tan dark enough for a Miami Beach veteran to be proud of.

It’s funny how the dynamics of the day can be transformed by the presence of one person. LMM was her usual, quirky, enthusiastic, funny self. She was very happy with the last part of birthday present from me (a set of three silver frames, with pictures from the night of her Beauty pageant triumph) and was particularly pleased with my nifty photography, that had successfully captured her second runner-up sash in all its glory.

She was also full of stories about her holiday. My favourite one was typically the cheeky one.

What the two wedding guests who decided to get up close and personal in the pool, thought they were doing, and just how it never occurred to them, that no one would see them, goodness only knows!!

Which proves my long-held belief about weddings – it isn’t a good wedding, unless a little mischief occurs and if it's by people who shouldn’t be together or who’ve just met, then it's all the more naughty.

I’ve been invited to yet another wedding. I’ve been to five so far this year, which bearing in mind it’s only June, means I am just 1 away from my own world record number of times thatBB can attend a wedding 'el solo'.

I'm such a glutton for singleton wedding punishment or is it just a great excuse to buy another 'it looked great in the shop, but now I hate it' outfit.

That reminds me, I must give F a call. The last time he was my faux date at a wedding, not only did he save me from the embarrassment of ending up on the kiddies and pathetic single people reception table, he hooked up another guest. In fact he was so smooth, he closed the deal by the end of the speeches!

Nothing amazing there right ? Well what if I told you he ended up going out with her for four years, until he cheated on her….the dog! But to give him his dues, he did tell her right at the start of things, that he could be a bit of sod.

I know, never a dull moment with me, bad boys and weddings! Thank god I didn't have to throw a funeral in there!

EPILOGUE

You remember what I was saying about T being a fast worker. Well I got home today to find the bathroom stripped out completely and gutted.....my God if this man was 2 years younger, I would be would marry him for DIY skills like that!

Stupid Is As Stupid As

Ok so I put my hands up to sometimes being clinically judgemental and I’m the first to admit that I can be the queen of stubbornness when I think I am in the right.

But there is one quality which I marginally possess, that I abhor when it is a dominant characteristic in others – stupidity

I will admit that I have my own levels of stupidity – mine are primarily to do with men (I pick lousy ones or just ones that make me crazy!), shoes and lingerie (I don’t need anymore, but my heart keeps on telling my head to buy them and always gives in).

And let me not forget DIY ignorance (the only reason I complain about men not doing it, is because I seriously doubt the DIY gene in my brain could handle tough stuff – like laying floorboards and filling holes with foamy stuff!)

Like I said, we all have our own types of stupid, but those who lack the basics – aka commonsense - these are by far the most stupid people to me. I am talking of course of my ongoing toxic relationship with recruiters.

Today A from H called to ask me if I was interested in a dream job in VP. Yes, you’ve guessed it - the idiot (for that is what he clearly is), offered me my old role working for HWMBO ! I told I had just finished working for the company and then he asked me whether I had been there long !

What an arse! A classic case of someone trying to close a deal in a dark room, without being bothered to do the background work e.g. to read a cv, or be aware of the candidate’s last role and more importantly be bright enough not to try and recruit them for the job they’ve just left.

I just about managed to be civil with the idiot.

“Have you actually read my cv? “ I asked tersely.

“Ahem….well sort of “

“Call me when you have and if you could possibly familiarise yourself with the date I finish this current contract and my notice period, you just might have a point of reference to hand, as opposed to ringing me and asking me such stupid questions. You make yourself look totally unprofessional you know”.

“It’s very hard to keep track of candidates you know….” , he replied defensively.

“Sure it is A, but at least give me and your other unfortunate charges the vague impression you give a damn about us and know some basic information about the people you are looking after !", I responded.

As I said before he’s an arse….and I don’t mean that in a nice way! The only saving grace derived from talking to the idiot – was knowing that no one has lasted the distance with HWMBO (well there was one who lasted a month!) since I left.

Argh the universal has a perverse sense of humour, not unlike my own !!

Counting Tiles !

T the builder duly turned up on Sunday, complete with ideas, tape measure and all the enthusiasm of a newly qualified construction worker.

"BB I am here, but I am tired!"

"How about a cup of tea" I replied cheerily, remembering my Dad's old mantra that a well hydrated builder, is a necessity if you want a job finished.

Well the end of week or Happy Friday as I like to call it and it's as if C left months ago and some of those shady habits I was forced to retire when C was around have reared their ugly head again.

I confess my cut off shorts and flashdance sweat top, complete with colour co-ordinated fitflops have been resurrected from hibernation.

And what else does a diva do when dressed up like an extra for a bad dance movie, but do a workout dvd. The one I used to do in my living room is now on daily and I hate to admit it, but i'm enjoying it.

In fact, the music was so loud yesterday, that my neighbour to the right, thought it couldn’d possibly be just me making that much noise.

My weekly face mask is back with a vengeance! My face wrinkles into looking like a prune, while the mask works its magic, before being washed away to ‘reveal’ the newer, younger (well that’s what is says on the mask packet!) me !

Yesterday’s masking took place while watching the repellent Z bossing everyone around again on the JA - my latest guilty pleasure.

I got so annoyed and absorbed watching her antics that I forgot to take the mask off and managed to freak myself out when I walked past the living room window and caught sight of my green reflection ! Not pretty.

I checked my messages and noticed a missed call from my Polish Builder T. As you all know, my bathroom saga has been rolling on forever.

What with disappearing builders, crazy quotes, my ever changing colour scheme and just about everything else you can think of going wrong, it's felt like it is never going to happen. Until now.

The phone call freaked me out particularly when T uttered the immortal line, when I returned his call.

"Yes, who is this?".

Once I'd reminded him who I was, between lots of

"Say again more slow" (from him, not me!),it turned out he was worried about the restricted parking on my road.

Two phone calls to the council later and we were good to go, as I agreed to get a visitors permit for him for the duration of the job.

Go BB....one step closer to that new bathroom.