Thursday, 10 February 2011

Am I Too Cynical To Love ?

"Are you too cynical to find love?", one of you has asked me. And perhaps I had that coming, since I haven't really mentioned anything much about my dating exploits recently. There is a reason though.

Today, I saw MF's wedding pictures. They were gorgeous, intimate pictures of two grown-up equals, happy, healthy and secure eough in themselves and their relationship to cement it personally and legally.

When I look back over my dating history and early blog postings I can feel my frustrated sometimes, really lonely desperation at trying to connect with someone who gave a damn about me.

Roll forward to now and I've accepted what an unhealthy nightmare I have been in the past. I didn't like myself very much and thought I morph into someone else to get the guy and make him stay.

There's only ever been one occasion where I was totally honest yes you've guessed it, with H.

What I had to deal with was, how can you move on if you lock away your past, don't own the knowledge of it or the way it influences you today.

I wouldn't say I was cynical, but I am much more careful with my heart and myself. If a man can't be bothered to turn up for a date with me or treats me poorly, I have every right to be vocal and draw conclusions from it. 1) It's just rude and unnecessary and 2) That type of guy is just not worth my time or energy.

I don't need to complain about the men that come my way anymore. It's nice to know you still got it, but I also know my value. I don't have to make do,as so many of my attached friends have suggested.

I can't tell you how many friends have thrown me in the way of guys I either have nothing in commom with or who i'm just not attracted to in the slightest.

I don't like super short guys, because that's all I've ever dated up to this point and shallow as it sounds, I'm over them. I'm short enough for both of us! Fat guys, not a problem, but not super, supersize it's not sexy to me. Average looking to cute. Yep, I'm no supermodel, but I'm ok.

There I said it. I now judge men, just as they judge us and it's a hell of a lot more honest than I used to be.

Instead of blindly judging, I now understand those women who put up with bad boys because maybe that's all they're used to.

Who put up with a serial shagging boyfriends or husbands, because they can't bear the thought of starting yet another love search, sometimes with children in tow, cut off from a formerly secure life and financially crippled after a divorce.

I'm no better than them, which is a complete 360 from where I used to be, but I know it's the real deal or nothing for me.

I also appreciate that for every bad guy out there, there are an equal number of bad women. Blaming men for all my woes isn't what any emotionally intelligent woman(including myself) does.

Maybe it's that knowledge that's made me chill out, lower my skyscraper expectations and go with the flow. Sure being single is a boring drag sometimes, but at least I'm not afraid to admit it and deal with in my own way.

Am I happy? Sorta. Do I like myself. Yes, because I have no reason not to.

Someday I want to be in the same pictures as the ones MF showed me, standing beside an accepting, loving partner who knows BB inside out and thinks she's a keeper.

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